My nightmares last night were horrific. Graphic, violent and sometimes abstract images of my past. It was an ongoing cycle despite waking. I took diazapam in the night to ward off a panic attack.
I woke this morning exhausted, miserable and grumpy. I hate these awful nights that terrify me and remind me so painfully of things I want to forget. I guess it’s the stress and the anxiety compounded.
S was out for the evening for a work thing, I assumed it was going to be late one for him. So after sorting the kids I curled up with a glass of wine. I’ve not dared drink wine for a long time for fear of migraines, but really wanted to relax. Perhaps it was the alcohol that triggered this awful night? I have no idea. S returned much earlier than anticipated, the civil conversation lasting no longer than an hour. Then the argument came, as typical about money. I feel I’m doing the right thing and compromising, him feeling that I’m stupid or selfish – I don’t know. But either way, I’m tired of feeling disrespected and completely alone and unregarded.
The nightmares really upset me. I’m feeling vulnerable and emotional today. Totally thrown off of base.
I want to focus on all the positive things, but the nightmares are like the migraines. Debilitating, engulfing, overwhelming. Physically a horrible weight.
Today is dark and extremely windy. I won’t reach out to anybody, I already feel like a burden. And I don’t know if anyone will really understand.
It’s hard to express the fear that’s resonating from old ghosts.
My lower abdomen hurts so badly. I guess a physiological effect of the nightmares. I saw my body in my dreams, bruised. I felt pain and the intimate force.
I’m so sad and fearful today. I hope I can move past this quickly. I’m sick of the past having such an unpredictable hold over me.