Flat in every context!

It’s been a long week. An emotional one too. I’ve had more highs and lows then a manic depressive on LSD on a roller coaster.

First I had that Appointment. But I think it was a few days late so I had a ‘sort of’ cycle which was very depressing.

Then I got called in the prinicipal’s office. S and I went together. He wanted to express his concern about the ‘welfare’ of the girls. Because I’ve been very vocal about the lack of professionalism of two teachers – one of whom is clearly his die hard favourite, he has never responded very well to me. He’s one of these men that’s let the power of prinicipal go to his head – anything less than admiration and submissiveness (especially from a woman) seems to rile him up into an angry frenzy – suffice to say our communications aren’t always easy!
My youngest daughter had a tummy ache, when he questioned her and suggested they call me, she told him I’d be ‘boxing.’ As it was a training day. Somehow the principal turned it into a ‘does mummy box with you?’ And my youngest in her infinite wisdom said yes. God alone knows why. It was also a day that my middle daughter forgot her lunchbox, as one of them tends to do which annoys the frig out of me, and finally to nail my own lid of bad mother coffin of the century on, we were 5 mins late that morning.

His deductions were, unfed, unloved children that I use as boxing bags. 

Of my course when I asked about them academically, they were great, with peers, great. Any destructive or unusual behaviour? No. Any physical signs of neglect or abuse? No. So it stemmed from a lunchbox left sitting in the kitchen and the fact I box my children. I could see other kids in the playground, some overweight, some messy, some arrived late – so it was my deduction that this was a ‘personal attack’ – S didn’t say a lot besides that they had lunches. I was the one that launched into the tirade. Then he tried to hit me where it hurts by saying TO S, ‘when you’re lovely wife was in Cambodia- your girls were on time, happy, clearly loved girls – now it seems to have changed.’ POW! A low blow and i sure as shit wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of letting him know he’d gotten to me. I stood up, announced I didn’t have to listen to his crap and stormed out. Slamming the door on the way. Diva much? I can’t deny that the school environment always brings out the worst in me. Add to that, a patronising prinicipal who is gunning for me because I’m so vocal about these teachers – one of which was assigned to one of the girls for the new term – which I’d tried to change but was told by her that she refused to change my daughter. This by the way is the one that used my daughter’s ‘confiscated’ cell phone on a school trip because her phone was dead. You’re fucking welcome. 

Anyway, storming out was admittedly childish and played into his hands, but I didn’t want to endure this emotional boxing, at this time of year in particular and I was really hurt that S didn’t jump to my defense. No matter what happens between us, I still maintain he’s an excellent father and wouldn’t let anyone suggest otherwise. He could have explained how much they missed me when I was away, how much I love and adore those kids, how I look after them when they’re sick, how I tidy their rooms and move their furniture around, how I hug them and soothe nightmares. How I wash their clothes everyday and how they’ve had some of the most amazing international experiences of their lives. I encourage their hobbies, I’d walk through fire for them and God help anyone that upsets them.

But no, I felt like a deadbeat defending my own corner. I drove home in tears. Punched the hell out of my boxing bag (well, the kids weren’t around so that had to suffice!). Then when S called I was just angry that he didn’t come after me, reassure me, listen to me, make a plan with me. Instead he started to lecture me on things I could do better. A few years ago – it all would have been so different. I realised as I stood in the garage with the rain lashing down and my knuckles sore from boxing that I really was alone in this. He wasn’t my ‘saviour’ anymore.  I had a battle to manage alone.

I ended up writing an email to the prinicipal, highlighting his concerns, addressing them and highlighting my own concerns about the school. I also outlined that it was clearly a personally motivated attack. And whilst I would oblige any information pertaining to my daughters, I would seek advice if he continued to make serious unfounded allegations of ‘boxing the children.’ As he needed to understand the ramifications of making such accusations without follow through. The tone was professional, it summarised and closed the issues. I had taken back control and writing makes it noted, official – not hearsay.

After that hideous morning I went to a workshop on youth homelessness. It was absolutely fantastic to be amongst such hard working inspiring people. I learnt a lot. I did make some contributions and afterward I was approached by a host that complimented my comments and said she’d like to catch up soon.  I was honoured but also hit that, wow, someone here is liking my style after being branded a bad mother. It was a confidence boost.

I stopped briefly to see for the second time a little flat I found on a working farm. I’d met the landlady whom was lovely and the flat, although small is beautifully situated, my dog is welcome and I can wander around the many walks in the woods. My children were also welcome at weekends. Although I explained that I’d probably be back at my house most weekends. I just need some space away from the intensity of my separation and his confusing actions (I obviously didn’t verbalise that last bit!). I met the flat mate, a young quiet guy who works all day. I don’t think I’ll have a problem with him and he related that he was happy with me.

So I’m set to move some stuff in next week. I’ll divide my time equally, but it will also be nice to spend time with each child alone and build on our relationship.

I also attended the orientation at my uni. I got along naturally with most of the students – the ones I met, I’m glad they’re mostly mature students. I’m looking forward to getting stuck in. Which is another reason my little flat will be ideal to study in.

Things are finally changing. I’m looking forward to the new challenges and hopefully shedding this dreadful negativity.

I have to wait until i get money next week to be able to put the bond down and buy a bed etc. if it wasn’t for that I’d have secured it already. S made plans for 2 of the kids to have play mates over, so 6 kids in the house today. I didn’t want the hassle or disturbance after a fretful week and tomorrow my friend is throwing a ‘make up party’ admittedly not my idea of fun as I barely wear the stuff. But I’m going to support her.

Next week I have my first lecture and another interview I picked up along the way. I really hope I can secure a part time job soon.

The prinicipal really got under my skin. Perhaps I have been letting my kids down. I’ve been doing my best despite the two week migraine and time of year and the separation but if they’re giving out a vibe of feeling unloved – than I can only be to blame. I need to work on myself and stop with the drifting and expectations that are always snuffed out.

I need to spend time with each alone as with 4 it’s hard to give each kid individual acknowledgment. It’s also hard when I’m trying to physically avoid being around S for too long because of the arguments, and sense of loneliness and loss of my closest friend.

I’ve felt that 2016 is going to be my year and I still strongly believe that. 

Sometimes the right thing to do is the most painful and hardest thing to do.

   
   

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2 thoughts on “Flat in every context!

  1. So much is going on in your life right now. I read this, though, and I think how strong you are to keep on going. In all your writings about your kids, I hear love in the words. Perhaps they are having a hard with the separation— which I believe is normal— but if your love for them can come across on an electronic screen, I have to believe they can feel that love. 2016 is your year, Penny. I’m rooting for you. Xxđź’ź

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  2. you are amazing and so inspiring! those kids have a great mom and dont you ever forget it! your love for them shines through in this post. drifting? you are not! you are doing so many things, its totally awesome! Keep on going, 2016 is gonna be your year! XX

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