Bad time

Migraines have plagued me for the last two weeks. I’ve been to hospital three times now for pain relief as nothing is working. Finally my dr has prescribed a blood pressure medication as it turns out that my blood pressure – that I’ve never had problems before is sky high and this may be causing the migraines. I’ve also been pushed to see if I’m under stress. Not that I’ve admitted it, but my stress levels are pretty high.

My anniversary week is here and I’ve been very much alone with the pain of it. S doesn’t want a bar of it, although unfortunately all of my anger and pain has been directed at him via text message. I’m so tired of battling this alone. And I just know that the person responsible continues his merry life oblivious to the pain he’s caused me. My depo is due but I can’t face the clinic now.

I’ve been so confused about where I am most of the time, thinking I’m in England, waking up with blinding migraines completely unsure of my surroundings. The kids have got it in the neck because my patience is at an all time low.

I’m lonely, my head hurts so much, im so sad and no one gives a shit frankly. Im just one of many of people having a bad time in the world while everyone else just continues with life.

I know, sorry for myself much? Yes, I am sorry for myself. I want to be told that it’s ok, that I’m safe, that I’ll be ok. That I’m doing ok. But im not. I’m driving myself to hospital, I’m having my tears and pain relief. I’m fighting myself in the night, I’m dealing with the morning fights, I’m crying alone to myself. I’m all I have. I’m sick of it. Sick of the pain, sick of the hurt, sick of the loneliness. 

There is no end. I’m tired, I’m fed up, I’m lonely.

I hate this. My body failing me, being at the mercy of medical professionals, forced to continue like it’s just another day. 

It’s not another day, I’m reliving my past continually, my skull feels like it’s cracking. I’m in agony, I’m exhausted, nights are horrible, I’m confused. I have no one to talk to.

Everything SUCKS. I hate everything right now.

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3 thoughts on “Bad time

  1. I can’t “like” this post… Because I can feel the pain all the way across the miles. And I know the pain of migraines. (I have a chronic migraine condition and once had “a” migraine for 97 days straight. A migraine Every. Single. Day). It’s a miserable place to be– even before the emotional pain you have to carry. My heart breaks for you right now and if like nothing more than to ‘fix’ it or say just the right thing to lighten your load. But I’m just a person struggling to get my feet on the floor each day.
    What I do know is that you aren’t alone. You are so much stronger than you realize and you give so much (here… For me, at least). I’m in awe of all you’ve done and what you’ve done even through the pain. Stress sux. Loneliness is horrible. Pain is unfair.
    But you have to believe life will improve. You are here for a reason and I’m a better person just for knowing you here.
    It will be better. You are loved. You matter.

    Like

  2. Reading your post makes me so sad hun. I am always here if you need to talk as I have totally been through it. I know it might sound crazy but the reason my life turned around was because of a book called ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Byrne! All I can say is that it made me look at life so differently. The things you have written in this blog I said to myself over and over but trust me… DONE give up! You will get through this. Sending you health and happiness in my thoughts hun xx

    Like

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