Living together has quickly become an impossible solution. I’m tired of the jokes at my expense, the digs, the comments. Meant to be oh-so-subtle if it wasn’t for that look of disdain, disgust, contempt fleeting in the eye. I’ve grown up with this from my parents. The butt of the jokes. Made to feel like I’m a bumbling fool. I’m tired of not feeling respected as a mother, a fellow human being. A person with whom has shared a lifetime of ups and downs. I’ve become doubtful of my own capabilities, anxious about what I say, how I say it.
I realise now that this amiable state was merely a facade so that my ex husband didn’t have to either move out or help me move out. The reneging on agreements, the sense I’m being difficult because I’m not willing to comply with the definitions and expectations of him. There is no regard, no respect, no compassion. Not as a mother of the children, a survivor or even a friend. I am a nothing made to float in an existence that has no parameters, so sense of self.
For the first time in my life I feel I have a future. A way to move forward, to be strong independently. But the impact of living within bricks of a house that isn’t my home, isn’t my sanctuary with a person that sees me as a barely tolerable inconvenience is not conducive to my moving forward. I’m filled with self doubt, and this comes from this environment. I’m trying to manage this upcoming anniversary in an environment that feels hostile and unsafe. It’s unhelpful and painful. Triggering emotions, fueling anxieties and fears.
I will have to rely on my lawyer to be my voice on this. I simply am lost at how to move forward.
I feel bitterly disappointed. It makes me wonder about the depth of this relationship. I’m sad that my best friend is turning into a dreaded foe.
I’m feeling the pinch of my past. And at this point there is no one to grab hold of. I’m ashamed of my past and I’m ashamed about my failed relationship.
The migraines are almost daily. The weekend saw me at the hospital to have pain relief injections as nothing else helped.
My depo is due in a few days, I have the recognisable pain of my break through menstrual cycle. This is also triggering.
Sleep is restless, broken.
I have no control over my body or the living situation. I can only survive each day. But I do believe there will be an end in sight.
And perhaps this is what indicates the difference between a plunge into the murky depths and acquired strength from the years. I fully recognise it’s temporary. I yearn for a life where I’m free. No longer taking on the emotions, expectations and negative insinuations from anyone that is ‘supposed’ to have once loved me.
I’m ready to accept the challenges of being a single parent. Of being alone. Because the reality is, I have been alone for a long time now.