Feeling fine in the present

I feel like I’m in a good place right now. Yes, the anniversary looms ever closer of my assault and all of those horrible foreboding memories – but in the present I’m feeling stronger. More empowered. 

I’m enjoying the gym, particularly my boxing classes. I’m feel fitter already and I welcome the distraction from home life.

I’ve been offered, following an interview with a local university a counselling course. I’m really proud to have gotten thus far without any help from S. Usually I ask him to help with forms or preparation even his opinion. But this is my goal, and something I feel I can use as a platform to help me learn more about myself and to help others. I’ve always been interested in this, but felt that when I applied for law it was more for S as he’s used to the prestige and I didn’t want to disappoint him.

But this year is about me, and following my heart and learning along the way. Not trying to fulfil expectations of others.

In terms of S and I, we live in a platonic, more tranquil state. There’s the odd snarky comment but we’ve come to exist more as brother and sister. It’s good that we can show a united front for the kids and agree on anything related to them. Ultimately living together long term isn’t an option because like any close family – there’s a time when each person seeks their individual space. Likely it would be me moving and I’m happy and confident with that, with a shared agreement for the kids. 

Maybe I’ll even go on the odd date this year?! Who knows! But I’m rusty as hell in that department and my focus is my children and my studies. As well as keeping healthy. I certainly don’t anticipate a long term relationship for a long time, although it’s fair enough to say I do miss intimacy and physical attention.

I hope this year I’m able to cope better with the anniversary and the associated symptoms and stresses it brings. I’d like not to be ‘owned’ by that anymore.

So I’m feeling refreshed and ready for more challenges. I think there’s a peace that comes with accepting the ending of relationships. I feel less in limbo – more focussed. 

It’s good that I still have him as my mate though, we do have fun. And some commonalities.

The kids are back in school soon, so there’s a routine to get underway and that will help (hopefully) encourage more structure.

So yes, new year, new chapters!

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