Not moving but going along

H’s party was I believe a success. Although I feel I’m not a very good host. I’m crap with names and just prefer people to help themselves, I hate serving and prefer people to make themselves at home. Luckily I had my mate Sherrie there who I could chat to easily, as parents tend to talk about kids with gusto, which I really find it boring. Plus I’m still feeling unwell and was operating on less cylinders than normal.

    

    
We’d hired a bouncy castle and a petting zoo. So that kept the kids happy and it was a lovely hot summers day.

By the end every bone and muscle ached but I wanted to keep on top of the mess – as usual. My friend was a great help.

On Sunday S and I talked about the separation agreement and he agreed to the spousal maintainence which is a huge relief. Now I can budget and not have to ask for money when I need it and panic about not having enough. We’ve also agreed to try living together as long as possible because it’s better for the kids. And at heart we are really good friends. Now we’re on the same page and pressures have been removed we’ve fallen into an amicable, friendly relationship and it’s much easier. There’s still issues about the reasons we’ve separated – which I’m happy to address in counselling out of respect for our years together and because I want him to know I still care very much and want us to be able to live in a honest and communicative state. 

As the monthly ‘group’ doesn’t commence until February, a few of the women wanted to meet in January so I offered my home. I forgot that the girls still aren’t in their holiday programme yet. It’s becoming so hard trying to keep the girls entairtained, fed and the place tidy. And I think that’s why I can’t shift this bug. There is no downtime.

I’ve been shopping for snacks and various treats for the women that are coming this afternoon. I’m not going to be able to speak openly with the kids drifting around, which is a shame, but at least it will be nice to catch up.

I’m having constant nightmares at the moment. Really horrible, painful, graphic nightmares. I’m not sure why that is. Whether it’s because of the anniversary the next month, or because my depo and smear and are due soon. That’s two things to be done at the family planning clinic, I wanted it separate from my gp. Unfortunately this brings back memories of my attack. It’s just unlucky that the dates have tied in with the anniversary for these things.

I’m still feeling a pull to get away for a few days, but now I can safely say it would be a stretch on the finances and I’m having to chaffeur the kids.

I’m still in a state of bumbling along. Not really knowing myself and not feeling able to talk to anyone about my anxieties or concerns.

I know I could probably do more to empower myself. But my energy is so low and what’s left goes on the kids.

I hope that when the girls do the holiday programme I can use that time to initiate some self care. Which means rest, excercise, looking at getting into a hobby. I hope I can pursue study in the coming months.

I know I’m in a rough period, I feel down from feeling ill and I feel restless from having no direction or purpose. It’s a temporary situation – but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.

Well, time to do more preparation and cleaning for the women’s arrival. I might be a lousy host in terms of conversation, but I want to present the best of my house and the best catering!

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