Physically sick, mentally bored 

I have a UTI that’s obviously advanced to a kidney infection. I have some sort of cold, my sinuses are really blocked, my throat’s sore and my days are spent between sweating like a fountain or shivering. In other words, physically I’m feeling pretty stink and I feel like because I’m carrying all this stress and emotion around, my body is taking it out on me.

I knew January 2016 would be tough emotionally. And it’s proved to be. But it’s been my beautiful boy’s 4th birthday, and his party is this weekend so my focus has to be on getting well and making his party as enjoyable as possible.

Today I ventured out (aside from the day prior to the doctor and back) to get my hair done in anticipation of Saturday. I then decided to wander the mall. The sales are just the crap stuff now, but I needed new trainers, and as I live usually in trainers, it’s better to invest in a good fitting pair. Which I duly found and for the first time in my life, used the ‘lay by’ system. It’s quite good here in NZ that the option is available so easily. As the trainers are over $200 and I can’t afford that up front – strange feeling not just buying up front what I need.

As I’m still getting constant job rejections, I’ve decided to enrol in a counselling course. This will hopefully increase my chances of getting work and keep my brain cells working. Also hopefully increase my confidence and teach me new life skills. 

There’s a few other things I intend on getting back into, like yoga – which I’ve really enjoyed and feel the need to test my body and get some aching from working on it, rather than suffering in it.

I’ve been reading constantly on my kindle, it’s a fantastic escape. And I find my escape and solace in a book far more than ever in a movie. 

Today a dump truck side swiped my car. But I didn’t feel stressed or panicked about it. I’m just glad it was minor – as opposed to ending up squished. I’ve given my insurance details to the company – yes it might be a nuisance – but unlike the old me that would have ranted and raved (like that driver did!), I actually feel a bit complacent. I mean, this is why we pay our insurance right? And the kids weren’t with me, so there was no danger or trauma for them.

I’m also in a complete state of unarousal. That might just be the sickness or perhaps I’ve learnt that life throws curveballs all the bloody time – and if I react to everything I will end up with a heart attack!

Aside from being ill, I’m looking forward to the kids getting into a holiday programme. It’s full on all the time, and the constant mess and tidying is overwhelming- as are their demands. I like/need and relish my own time. 

If I could afford it, I’d go away for a few days, and just read in the quietest of spots, without really ever having to use my voice aside from making necessary purchases – food. So much that my own voice becomes alien to me. It seems a long time that I’ve had that peace.

People give me energy – but they can drain me too. It’s the two extreme ends of the spectrum. Like how sometimes I can buzz on the life of a city, immerse myself in the people, the noise, the constant movement and energy, but other times I can hate the city. The constant chatter of people on cell phones, squeaky brakes, litter, and the claustrophobia becomes too much, so I seek out solitude, isolation. The sound of wildlife and tranquility. Of course, the reverse can happen and I can end up restless, frustrated by the lack of services and the need to see a human expression. But rather than focus on the negative, I’m glad each offers a reprieve, I can appreciate both. Although we live in a quiet area, with views of the valley, knowing there’s people around but barely seeing them – but the township and then city of Wellington is an easy drive. So we have the best of both worlds.

But my need for reprieve comes from the intensity of family, the emotions surrounding my marriage and the boredom of my routine life. How I currently feel unable to please all of the people all of the time and my actions or expressions are questioned. I feel a bit lost and feeling physically week doesn’t help either.

So that’s where I’m at at the moment. Neither hin nor there – is that the expression?

I’ll delve back into my Jodi Pidcoult book now. That sounds predictable, but in the last few weeks I’ve read four Harlen Coben books and an interesting self biography of a woman raised in the Scientology church and her reasons for leaving and speaking out against it. 

In my uninspiring life, I find comfort in others – but only written at the moment. I’m in no mood to deal with the dramas of others in the real world. As selfish as it sounds.

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