All I want for xmas

  
This is where I’d like to be for Xmas. A desolate pacific island – aside from a hut that sells chilled beer. Preferably by topless PI men with tribal tattoos.

I don’t think I’m asking much!

S has explained (finally) what’s been on going on with him and why he’s been so distracted and stressed and needed ‘more time.’ It was a genuine plea for time not a ‘I’m putting you on a trial period and will review my stance in the new year’ thing that it seemed to be.

I’ve offered support and said I’ll hold off expectations from him over Xmas until mid Jan. But emotions, love and all the ingredients of a marriage don’t come into it. There is a huge gap between us. So I’ll honour his stress and support that, as we have 17 odd years backed up behind us where I can’t switch off.

But in my reality, and rather selfishly, I do feel neglected. He made a choice to prioritise his issues and in that came arguments and coldness that were hard for me. I pleaded for our marriage, had many a sleepless night, cried so many tears over the man I’ve lost.

I don’t hear his issues and switch back over. And neither can he.

Today I’ve been so drained. No emotional energy at all. We took the girls to the movies and I was asleep in seconds, slept right through. I couldn’t do the ‘happy family’ thing. I tried, but S creates a presence now that tires me, confuses me. Makes me doubt myself and lose my confidence.

Xmas is too stimulating for my psyche. The noise, the excitement, the decorations and Mariah Carey seemingly on a loop following me. The malls are packed. I have to partake in inane conversations with strangers, force my enthusiasm, and try to keep my damn house tidy!! The decorations just feel like an over spill of mess and chaos. 

I’m not going to win any mother awards of the year – I get it. I’m a self absorbed bitch.

I’ll smile sweetly on Xmas day, battle with packaging, have my black bag ready for mess, and try to ‘let the kids be kids’ but find the line between over excited, hyper, climbing the walls and just having fun.

I haven’t had fun myself for a long time. I loved my time in Cambodia but it was tainted by S’s declaration of falling out of love with me. I still gave my time there a bloody good shot and have great memories. But the motorbike accident ended things. I’m still getting medical treatment for my shoulder and S has been droning on at me about the travel insurance as though I’m the one not making it happen quick enough. I get his frustration with that, but I’m still trying to get my shoulder sorted, get my marriage/separation sorted, and of course still deal with nightmares and triggers. So whilst I appreciate the need for recompense, it would be nice if he showed the same interest in me.

And that is what it comes down to. I’ve needed to be loved, supported and communicated with. But instead I’ve been ostracised, felt alone, and have had to deal with everything in bite size pieces.

Kudos to me – I’ve bloody been doing it! I could have sunk into a pit of depression. Let my brain guide me into a deep dark hole with no light, no hope. Moped around in dirty pjs, not showered for days, not talked to anyone. But I’ve fought that demon. I keep in contact with friends, I’m clean, I care about my appearance, and I drive back and forth almost daily to ensure we all have clean clothes (still no washing machine).

I liaise with companies, I get things done and I take responsibility  for my mental health. I saw my psychiatrist today and she is impressed that I’m still going, still surviving. Determined not to be dragged down

But the anxiety is bad at times. Sometimes I can’t swallow and I fear I’ll choke on my pills, sometimes the chest pain is so bad I wonder if it’s a heart attack. And I can find myself breathing so hard as though I’ve run a marathon. But still, I manage it, alone.

There’s no real down time because it’s school holidays, but some evenings I just have to shut myself away. It would be different if S was my support and close ally, but I can’t be around everyone at one time playing peace keeper, negotiator and bouncer. All the while wanting to scream for peace and just some understanding. My marriage isn’t the kids issue and nor should they be expected to make allowances.

Xmas is a holiday, ha! Holiday! But I need to get through it, even if it means relying on Valium for the duration.

In the new year it’s time to focus on the challenges that lay ahead – which I’m ready for.

But limbo isn’t for me. I’ll pay my dues for now, but in life I need clarity, I want time frames, I want structure. 

I think the damage between S and I is irrepable – does he agree? No fucking idea. Frankly I don’t know whether he’s thinking about what to eat, his stress, a conversation he had 2 days ago, or how he thinks about me. I don’t know what he means when he says things, I don’t understand his tone or facial expression. Frankly he could spend the day talking to me in Japanese. He could speak in monotone, he could find me utterly repulsive and revolting. He could be plotting my death, he could be blaming me for the wars in the world. Or he could simply be wondering when Liverpool are next going to play.

I got nothing on him.

And I’ve given up trying to work it out. As per his wishes, I’m suspended until due notice. I’ll wait, but it doesn’t stop my heart from feeling crushed, and it doesn’t give us a pass to act normal.

So when I say I want to be alone on a desert island, I think it’s understandable. People are hard work, Xmas lights are dazzling, traffic is shit, everyone has stopped with basic road rules like giving way. There is chaos in the towns, chaos in my home, chaos in my heart and mind.

All I want to think about is what beer to drink next, whether to go for a swim or not, chat to people with no emotional ties.

Life is fucking hard some times. And right now my body, mind and spirit are all wrung out.

I miss my best friend and soul mate whom I could have got through this with. But that’s not the way it’s meant to be.

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One thought on “All I want for xmas

  1. I am sorry penny. this all just sucks. you are a fighter though and you will get through this and your right you are strong and you are a survivor and you are not letting mental illness beat you. things will get easier they just have to. it wont hurt forever, thats the name of a good book on trauma. XX

    Liked by 1 person

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