Christmas pride and pain

This Christmas might just top it as worst ever.

I’m trying to be happy for the kids. I watched my son in a school concert yesterday that brought tears of happiness and pride. 

I’m so proud of my boy. He even got a surprise visit by Santa 

Of course the emphasis is on family and we were all there. The girls equally as excited and supportive of their brother.

But I didn’t miss the deep feeling of sadness. The reality of our last family Christmas.

S has finally sorted a lawyer. I’m annoyed it’s taken so long and it’s passed the deadline said by my lawyer, so in essence I’m still in limbo. Scared at what my future might hold. I don’t think he will move out as previously suggested. But I will move out. I don’t care anymore so long as we’re not living in this horrible situation. I don’t know who he is anymore, anything I do is wrong, and he seems so full of resentment and disdain for me. I feel suffocated.

I want us to sit the kids down after Xmas and reassure them whilst we love them all very much, their father and I have decided to be friends. I’d like them involved in the new property, so they know they have two homes, two safe places with people that love and adore them and that won’t change.

I felt sick with hurt and dread at the thought of losing my husband but now I know I’m doing the right thing for both of us. We will start hating each other if forced to live like this – and I’d really like it if we could maintain a strong friendship after so many years together. And I want the kids to know we’re United.

I want control back in my life. I want to be able to manage my finances and let go of this dead marriage. I want to move on, find my strength and the ability to live a healthy, normal life. I’m sure S wants that too, but he won’t do anything without a fight. I’m anxious about the court costs, but at least I know we’ll get a resolution one way or another and I will repay my debt. Eventually sell the house, and then we’ll finally be able to free of each other, aside from parenting our children.

I managed to see a dr for my migraine medication and I’m still doing my best to get up, live every day and not be sucked into the depths of depression.

I’m looking forward to the looks on the kids faces at Xmas. Im looking forward to sharing their joy and happiness. But I’m not looking forward to the gap between me and a man that used to adore me. That used to touch me gently and kindly. 

But I am looking forward to the new year. A new start, as terrifying as that might be. All I care about is supporting the children. The rest will fall into place.

I’m a single woman, but I’m confident of my strengths and I have amazing friends that have been supporting me all the way. And I have the most beautiful kids that deserve the very best parents – unfortunately in our case, the very best means not being together.


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