Holding on

Today S received the letter I’ve written up with my lawyer. I received a text from him acknowledging it and a sad emoticon face.

He asked me to leave it over Christmas, he said he couldn’t cope.

Today I felt ill, followed on from the weekend. I am only half aware of my being present.

On Friday night I went to a bloody ‘Nutri medics’ presentation – it’s basically like Avon. I thought it would be a good opportunity to catch up with friends. Instead it was a full on sales pitch. I’m not interested in their range of skin care products. And I was tired and restless from the week. I would have pulled out but I was the sober driver for friends. They all drank and managed to relax, I just sat there with a painfully stiff neck and the warnings of a migraine. Every time I tried to disappear for some peace, I was herded back to the crowd. Given a ‘guilt trip’ about buying things so my friend would get discounts. I didn’t buy anything, I was there to be a support. To get out of the house and to feel normal. But I didn’t feel normal. I didn’t feel good at all.

By the time I finished driving everyone around it was after 11, my head hurt so much I could barely see. I got home to a dark house. Which I hate. I used the torch on my phone to lock up the gate and see my way to the bedroom.

My lawyer from the UK is chasing for more money. I have no idea why. I don’t understand what he’s done or been doing. S said he’d deal with it, but the emails keep coming. A constant reminder of a painful past with no closure. All hope has died on that front and I know it’s waste of energy thinking about it. My energy is best used with this seperating, the kids and the pain associated with it.

My medication has increased, I rely on sleeping pills. I’m also a step away from crying all the time but hold back that emotion.

S carries on, usually on his phone, I don’t know who he is talking to and I have to accept its not my business. 

The girls often remark I seem sad, but I’m trying to hide it. 

I’ve lost my best friend, my soul mate. When I sleep I have nightmares, diazapam saves me from daily panic attacks. 

I receive frequent rejections for job applications. Not even an interview.

I’m in this limbo of hell. Unfortunately unlike S I can’t hide my head in the sand.  I can’t do this awkward flat mate thing. Pretending nothing of depth is going on.

He’s told me he doesn’t love me. He’s told me he can’t come back from his resentment towards to me.  He agrees the separation is mutual.

And yet, I feel like the villain in all of this.

I wanted a husband and a family. I wanted a normal life, with love, mutual respect and trust. But it’s irreparable. 

I am so miserable, so sad and so alone. Keeping my head above water.

Life has taken another unpredictable, painful twist. 

So when S says he can’t cope anymore. I wonder if he knows what it’s like to juggle a myriad of pain. To know I’m doing what he really wants, letting go. I don’t make him happy. I haven’t for some time. I’ve been trying to accept that, even though I love him so much and want him in my life more than anything. But he’s been gone for a long time.

I don’t believe I can take anymore heartache. I am going on for my kids. I am going to be strong for them. 

But in the darkest hour, the tears are mine. The feeling of no control, no love, no hope, an unknown future. That is my reality now.


One thought on “Holding on

  1. Hi friend
    It has been way to long since we talked. There is total chaos in you and separating. I made the decision to leave my ex-husband. I had two rules for marriage, no cheating, no hitting. When he hit me I thought for hours while he continued the day of drinking. I loved him, we had so much fun, loved to travel, lots of money. It would have been easy to overlook one of two rules. By the time he came back, I decided to file for divorce. We both were alcoholics which made it easy to see the cracks and there were many. I cried, when he took me to dinner for my birthday I was temped.
    I had never taken a stance what my words meant, I for the first time I believed in myself.
    Your husband sounds like he’s sneaky and trying to get your name of paperwork. He can only do that if you sign the paperwork. I know you have tremendous strength, I read about your mission trip while things were getting worse at home. It sucks when kids are involved. I don’t thick he’s into friendly co-parenting. It may take years for the pain to pass. If someone doesn’t love you, love yourself more. Build a new life, the fake it till you make it. Focus on looking at what’s in front of you. What your eye is focused on is where you’re going. It was so hard for me, lost my best friend I ever knew. We all look and think what could have been. Work hard at what you want your life to look like. Show him a backbone hard as a brick like he’s never seen. God is by your side even when we are angry at him, never gives up on you. Just like you, what fills my heart with sunshine is helping others. I didn’t see myself becoming who I wanted to be. Equal, good communication and honesty.
    You have the ability to be a stronger role model for your kids. They are the future.
    If you don’t know what your lawyer is doing, chew his ass then tell him you want a monthly report, expenses and overtime your husband makes a move. You have to drive a lawyer.
    I feel for you but not sorry. I have faith you can do anything or go anywhere.
    I say these words with no malice. I’m here for you all you have to do is let me know. msandorm@verizon.net.


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