Today S received the letter I’ve written up with my lawyer. I received a text from him acknowledging it and a sad emoticon face.
He asked me to leave it over Christmas, he said he couldn’t cope.
Today I felt ill, followed on from the weekend. I am only half aware of my being present.
On Friday night I went to a bloody ‘Nutri medics’ presentation – it’s basically like Avon. I thought it would be a good opportunity to catch up with friends. Instead it was a full on sales pitch. I’m not interested in their range of skin care products. And I was tired and restless from the week. I would have pulled out but I was the sober driver for friends. They all drank and managed to relax, I just sat there with a painfully stiff neck and the warnings of a migraine. Every time I tried to disappear for some peace, I was herded back to the crowd. Given a ‘guilt trip’ about buying things so my friend would get discounts. I didn’t buy anything, I was there to be a support. To get out of the house and to feel normal. But I didn’t feel normal. I didn’t feel good at all.
By the time I finished driving everyone around it was after 11, my head hurt so much I could barely see. I got home to a dark house. Which I hate. I used the torch on my phone to lock up the gate and see my way to the bedroom.
My lawyer from the UK is chasing for more money. I have no idea why. I don’t understand what he’s done or been doing. S said he’d deal with it, but the emails keep coming. A constant reminder of a painful past with no closure. All hope has died on that front and I know it’s waste of energy thinking about it. My energy is best used with this seperating, the kids and the pain associated with it.
My medication has increased, I rely on sleeping pills. I’m also a step away from crying all the time but hold back that emotion.
S carries on, usually on his phone, I don’t know who he is talking to and I have to accept its not my business.
The girls often remark I seem sad, but I’m trying to hide it.
I’ve lost my best friend, my soul mate. When I sleep I have nightmares, diazapam saves me from daily panic attacks.
I receive frequent rejections for job applications. Not even an interview.
I’m in this limbo of hell. Unfortunately unlike S I can’t hide my head in the sand. I can’t do this awkward flat mate thing. Pretending nothing of depth is going on.
He’s told me he doesn’t love me. He’s told me he can’t come back from his resentment towards to me. He agrees the separation is mutual.
And yet, I feel like the villain in all of this.
I wanted a husband and a family. I wanted a normal life, with love, mutual respect and trust. But it’s irreparable.
I am so miserable, so sad and so alone. Keeping my head above water.
Life has taken another unpredictable, painful twist.
So when S says he can’t cope anymore. I wonder if he knows what it’s like to juggle a myriad of pain. To know I’m doing what he really wants, letting go. I don’t make him happy. I haven’t for some time. I’ve been trying to accept that, even though I love him so much and want him in my life more than anything. But he’s been gone for a long time.
I don’t believe I can take anymore heartache. I am going on for my kids. I am going to be strong for them.
But in the darkest hour, the tears are mine. The feeling of no control, no love, no hope, an unknown future. That is my reality now.