I’ve been so resistant to Xmas as usual, the tackiness and the commercialism, the lack of parking, the queues in every store. Hearing the same old Xmas songs playing over and over – which is the equivalent to water boarding for me. The whole thing is tiring, chaotic, draining and the kids are over stimulated, over excited, demanding.
But I realised I was being such a selfish grinch and it wasn’t fair to the kids. So I dragged out the Xmas decorations from the shed and started putting together a nice surprise for them when they got home.
And so, Xmas is in the house.
There is a deep sadness with this Xmas though. It’s our first one as a seperated couple and may well be the last one we have living together.
Of course the kids don’t know this. So there’s confusion and pain in the decorations that mask a loss.
Yesterday J my second daughter had a concert at school and it was a lovely warm sunny afternoon. I knew it would be stressful with the 4 tired kids, and my week had been really busy – but J was desperate for me to see her sing…
I hate school gatherings, but this was good, being outside, the others running around on the sports field.
Of course they were exhausted and irritable at the end, and our groceries arrived not long after we got home, so the kids were desperate to get into the food.
By 10pm there was finally peace. I crawled into bed ready to sleep, but unfortunately had nightmares all night. So when the kids came banging on the door to see the kittens – I was still so tired and not ready for the onslaught of the kids screaming and shouting at each other.
It’s one of those mornings where they all hate each other. There is never a happy medium – it flies from one extreme to the other.
He will be home at lunchtime. I’m sure he had a great night with his mates, enjoying his new found freedom. It’s still surprising to me the way he feels nothing anymore and lives as normal.
Hopefully I can get the kids to calm down so at least he’s not coming into a shit storm – and can consider me a bad mum – although I’m pretty sure that’s already the case.
Time to play peace keeper and bouncer 😊