Life cycle

I don’t feel so good. I think I’ve got an ear infection, I can’t hear very well out of my left ear, I feel more tired than usual and the pain radiates from my inner ear to my jaw. But I don’t want to see the dr again. I’ve done the shoulder thing and got a referral to an osteopath whom I saw today. I don’t want to be poked and prodded and prescribed more antibiotics.

This morning I awoke sweaty and quite out of it. I thought a long hot shower would see me right. But my eldest popped in to tell me we had to be at school earlier than usual because this bloody EOTC week crap where the kids do outside ‘fun’ activities.

My son didn’t get to sleep until the early hours, he was being a right cheeky nuisance, so he was insanely grumpy this morning and more resistant to getting ready. Since we’ve enforced a strict no devices rule – the kids are really pushing the boundaries.

I managed to get everyone in on time and stopped for a coffee hoping for a surge of energy.

I picked up yet more laundry and headed to my appointment – only to be told I was an hour early – grrrr! So I went to a McCafe and sat like a hungover teenager. Sipping coffee, sweating and looking very spaced.

The appointment was quite good. The guy was shocked I’d never had any physical treatment before, but I’m not a fan of the ‘holistic’ approach. I’m more of an aspirin type of girl. Mask the pain! Don’t treat the issue! – story of my life. Back is like concrete and my spine is pushed and bending itself. The root cause of my migraines and damage from the motorbike accident. He clicked my bones a few times which made me swear in shock. I was terrified he’d paralyse me!

Actually I felt better for it. So I will go back and hopefully see some improvement.

It felt a bit peculiar to be touched by a male. When he was gentle, it made me ache for the soothing and caring touch of a lover or partner. 

Feeling miserable, sweaty and sorry for myself, I’d love to be cared for, held, reassured I was beautiful and caressed. I’ve not had that for so long and my body craves it. Strange how the little things become such a big gap.

He and I have ‘squabbled’ a bit recently. Both insisting we’re right in our stance. His eyes so cold, his face twisted in a snarl. Part of me wants him to just break down, cry and tell me he loves me, he will never let me go. But it’s a matter of principal now. He will never do that. He’d sooner watch me walk out the door than retract anything that’s been said.

Living as a separated couple, we should be able to be amicable, even friends, but in my heart of hearts – I know there’s no going back. You can’t force someone to love you. And you can’t be romantic again with someone you know as a housemate.

When I’ve heard other people talk about separation and all the complications and trauma – I’ve always thanked my lucky stars that it’s not me going through that. I always thought we were solid, and so did other people that were equally shocked at the knowledge we were no longer together.

He carries on as normal. I feel drained and lonely. 

I keep banging out the cv, hoping for something. 

We have been blessed though. Our cat unexpectedly gave birth one night! Two more followed. I’ve never been into the animal stuff, but I have found myself feeling privileged to be part of this. The mother is a natural and so content with her beautiful babies. The girls are over the moon! We’ve set them up in our walk in wardrobe, there they have a heater and soft lighting. It’s a valuable reminder that no matter whatever horrible things you face, there is still beauty. Our second oldest daughter has been amazing. So caring, so protective and so helpful. I’m really proud of her.

We have good, healthy kids, a great dog and a beautiful cat family. Every one of them is very caring.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I’m just sad that the picture is not completed by a happy marriage. But in time, I will heal from that hurt as I have managed to overcome many difficulties in my life.

  

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One thought on “Life cycle

  1. Yes! You will heal. I do think that is very true. Animals give such unconditional love. My Nitro guide dog is amazing. I’m sure your dog and cat are too. Keep smiling, the pain will lessen and probably sooner than you think! XX

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