This year has been an accumulation of epic fails on my part.
But instead of punishing myself I took a long hot bath and considered the strength I’ve gained.
If someone had told me that I would be seeking a lawyer and accepting the death of my marriage id have shrivelled up and cried.
I’m devastated of course, but I realise the ugly truth is better than a pretty lie.
In Cambodia I realised a strength I never thought I’d have. A capacity to learn more about myself, observe the intricacies and beauty of another country and culture in a way I’ve never done before – despite all of my travelling.
I had a motorbike accident, and have the scars from it, but the scars are reminders of the pain I endured and fear I endured alone.
I realised how being apart from my kids had an immense effect on me.
I realise how important they are to me, and how my behaviour and response to situations will model them. Teach them. And I want to teach them something different from what S and I learnt from our parents failed marriages. You can and should work at it, but when all else fails, there is no shame in seeking a better life for yourself – and it’s completely possible to start again, no matter your age or circumstance. No one should settle or pretend for the sake of themselves or anyone else.
The kids will learn that we love them. We’ve already taught them the foundations of acceptance, that families come in all models, orientation, gender, culture, etc. to learn that two people can separate and still love them equally is a profound message.
I feel sad. My husband and I have been together for 17 years. A lot of history, a lot of changes and challenges. More than most. But now we part as friends, wishing only the best for each other.
I accept that I will never get closure to my past, not in any tangible sense. That some periods of remembering will be harder than most.
But like everything else, I have survived. I will continue to survive, to grow and to learn.
But I can’t carry the heavy weight of bitterness and anger around, unleashing it’s unfairness at any given opportunity. I must deal with my scars, manage my wellbeing and continue to put my children’s needs first.
2016 is going to be painful and it’s going to be tough. All that I’ve known and at times taken for granted is changing. But I feel in my heart that this change is about being truthful, and it’s about making a real life for myself.
I don’t know where I’ll be this time next year. But if I’m lamenting about how unfair life is, how everything is against me, how I’m weak and lonely – then I’ve achieved nothing at all and failed at my responsibility to myself and my children. And all that my husband has taught me and previously supported me through.
I wish everyone reading this a good and healthy 2016. An honest and accomplished new year.
I am scared, lonely, terrified, but I’m strong, determined and don’t want to live unhappily with anyone who doesn’t want me in their life.
I own my mistakes, my regrets, but realise there is no way to change that, only to apologise, acknowledge and aim to be a better person.