I’m tired. Not just physically but to my core. If my soul were a physiological symptom – it would be thirst. But how I can replenish something so intangible?
People of faith, belief, spiritual convictions and lifestyles have their prayer/meditation/ reference guides/places of worship/ higher beings/higher powers/experts/ and leaders. Delete as applicable.
I have visited many different places of worship of faiths. Even the evangilical churches with their large portions of mass hysteria with a side order of mass hysteria. I have met people of different faiths and beliefs and seen some pretty bizarre methods of prayer. Each one has left me more insightful but never resonated within me. Even some of the most beautiful architecture in Rome hasn’t left me spiritually moved.
Yet I do remain open minded to some degree. Like for example I have moments where I sense the presence of my beloved Nan, who’s death broke my heart. Although my rational mind can explain these instances away with psychological theory and feel more like touched by madness than touched by an Angel. But I like to believe she makes her presence known to me on occasion.
My body and mind are tired. My mind is soothed somewhat by my anti depressants that ward off the overwhelming darkness. Good sleep can recharge my body. But my soul is sad. Inside I’m seeking respite.
I don’t know how that would look. I don’t know what form it would take.
I love my children and I take these precious moments that fill me with love and joy. Snapshots of unconditional love and expressions of their little characters developing. Yet I am often tired from the constant giving of energy and ‘doing.’ I’m tired from feeling all the time in this turbulent marriage. The hope, disappointment, fear, anxiety, love, hate, faith, denial, loneliness, awkwardness, self loathing, guilt, need.
My friends are awesome. I get so much love and encouragement from them – but I’m wary of pulling too hard. Of becoming a burden.
So I wonder, how can I replinsh my soul? What is my tall glass of ice cold water?
First I will sleep, then I must get back to my regular excercise regime. I must improve my eating habits. If I take care of my body – will my soul be soothed? How can I learn to accept and love myself? I presume this to be the key to my happiness. One thing is certain, acceptance and regard cannot be provided by the person I once held to be dearest to my heart – my husband. In his resentment towards me, I have realised that I can’t rely on anyone.
I need to work within MYSELF for ME.