Shouldering on!

This morning after I dropped off the kids, tidied the house, walked the dog, I went to my scans. I was apprehensive as I suspected they’d be painful.

The X-ray was uncomfortable, the woman took a million shots in varying poses, I think these pictures will be the most flattering I’ve ever had taken! Unfortunately every time she moved me, she’d push my bad shoulder down, I’d wince and she’d apologise, saying she ‘forgot.’ It went on quite a few times. Despite that being THE reason for my being there. 

I went to my ultrasound next, disappointing it’s not a baby scan! Far less exciting. As the woman probed my shoulder she started asking why I wasn’t doing physio and why wasn’t I taking anti immflamatories. All I could say was that I had only just got back and was following the instructions of my GP that wanted the scans first. She went on to ask why I hadn’t had it done in Cambodia. For goddssake! Must I justify everything! 

I won’t get results until the GP has reviewed everything. 

Later I had my appointment with WINZ (work and income NZ). The guy reviewed my cv and said it was ‘awesome’ he also felt I’d find work easily although it’s not the best time of year. I told him I’d had loads of rejections, so I’m clearly not that great. We also discussed my entitlements – which are zilch because I still live with my husband, but if I move out, they will help. I told him I didn’t want to receive benefits – I wanted a job! I want my Independance. He told me he wasn’t used to hearing that in his position! If my husband and I seperate, to go onto benefit would be soul destroying. I want and need to be working. Just going into WINZ felt demoralising. 

It’s not been the best week and I feel I’m ending on a bum note. I guess I’d hoped I’d leave the office with interviews up my sleeve. Apparently now I’m loaded onto the system, I’m automatically put through for suitable positions as they arrive. I can only hope that between that system and my banging out applications – something sticks.

Meanwhile my friends have been an ever constant source of support. I don’t need to moan to them or tell them every detail, just being cared about and having these strong relationships keeps me in check with my confidence and self worth.

Life plods on in autopilot on the homefront. I see no reason for animosity. Although it’s a highly emotive and a pressured situation. But when we relax, it’s nice. I prefer my husband being friendly and warm. I know that sounds obvious, but the detached coldness is something I can never get used to. I just never thought he’d treat me like that. 

I’m going to watch some movies and enjoy some wine tonight. I rarely drink and my reason for drinking tonight is to enjoy it and relax. Not to get completely paralytic and forget everything!

I’m sore, I’m tired and I’m keen for a quiet weekend.


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