You know, I wrote about how ugly I feel and how ashamed I am of myself.
What the fuck!
There are two men that have impacted me the greatest. The rapist because he destroyed my childhood. Because he exposed me to a world that I never knew existed. And to date, I live in fear, I manage my pain and nightmares.
Then there is the man I was in a domestic violent relationship with. He left me questioning trust, the strength and unpredictability of a man. The effects of drugs and alcoholism. The terror and pain of ongoing trauma by a person that was supposed to love me.
Those two men impacted me with their power both physically and mentally when I was still so young, still learning and growing.
My husband is not one of those men. My husband I have come to depend on financially. He was my best friend and soul mate. My ray of light on a dark day. My life saver in the angriest of seas.
I have self image issues, but that’s not because of him. It’s a combination of self doubt and worth from my past, my miserable parents and my current lack of independence and fear of not getting employment.
My husband is not the same man. There are glimpses for which I hang onto. But ultimately he feels the need for distance. To perhaps punish me. To find his own way.
I am not responsible for his actions. For his feelings. I’m not responsible for his misery and his stress.
I came back offering to work on our marriage, committing, doing whatever it took. But I’m frequently reminded of my past actions. His current stresses. My place in the priority line (quite low).
I came back vulnerable, open to change, to listen. Like any normal person I want to be held, loved, treated with respect.
Because he can’t offer that, I’m to blame for expecting too much.
Tonight I lie in this bed alone. It’s more comfortable in the middle and alas I have two pillows again! As for some reason since my return I was relegated to one. I can toss and turn without his grumbles
I live in a world where my priority is finding work and gaining independence. I am not living in a world where I will allow a man to make me cry in the night. To question my character and effect my self worth.
If he wants the marriage to work, we work together and take joint accountability. If he doesn’t, than I am not going to force him.
The husband of old loved me unconditionally, loved me without hate or blame. He made me secure and safe and taught me how to love.
If he cannot or will not try to better himself as I have tried to better myself – then I will not let a third man tear me down.
He seems to consider me the enemy and judges without listening.
I am strong without him.
I have fought bigger wars.
So, if he’s the one that fails us, I can get quite used to centre bed and two pillows thank you very much!