My days blur into each other. The sunsets and rises with the same predictable cycle as my life.
I am coasting at the moment. No longer in therapy, my emotions and fears are on the backburner.
I have tried to find work, I’ve lost count of the rejections, it’s demoralising to say the least. But I’ll keep going. Something must surely come through.
I’m enjoying catching up with friends but I’m conscious that I don’t want to be an energy drainer. I want to offer enthusiasm to them and company but I’m finding it hard to get myself into ‘enjoyable company’ mode.
I’ve tidied the house of clutter, moved things around, but this isn’t a project that I can make last for weeks.
Christmas looms, of which I have never particularly enjoyed. The pressure to be ‘excited’ it’s overwhelming stimuli and reminders of fighting depression and putting on a happy face. I’d be quite happy to be on a beach somewhere alone, enjoying a cold beer, away from the forced commercial expectations.
The lethargy is taking hold. It’s a fight to get up, and I won’t last the day without a ‘nana nap.’
I want to find a way through this tiresome life. I still have my appointment at WINZ on Friday and I hope they can help me find work. I need something to break up the monotony. Perhaps even something I can enjoy.
I feel like no one understands me. My husband does, I know, I can see it in his eyes. No longer looking at me with quite the depth of resentment, I feel a truce. An understanding. Although I don’t know if this will be consistent. I can only hope to basque in the glimpses of warmth and a reminder of my once safe haven – enjoy it while it lasts.
I’m uninspired. Unmotivated. No belief in myself or my capabilities.
I wonder if any day will be different.
I know opportunities and changes will be brought about by me only. I know I’m the one in control of my destiny. But with little self worth and dwindling confidence – it’s hard to make things happen. It’s hard to believe that I can make that difference.
The nightmares are back, this time around my childhood home. I wake feeling drained and deeply uncomfortable. I know I’m on the precipice of old memories coming through.
I’ve always been quite hardened. But now that I’m more self aware, I find myself seeking safety, familiarity, comfort, affection and reassurance more than ever. Things I’ve not much cared about before.