Today has been an odd day. Unsettling.
I dropped the kids off and a guy pulled out on me at a roundabout. I beeped at him and he stopped, then he pulled over as I parked and started shouting abuse at me. He was about 5’5, in a military uniform. I calmly explained the giveway rules at a roundabout. He really wanted to intimidate and so shoved himself against me. I’ve dealt with many a bigger bully than him, so I squared up to him. Laughed at his attempt to intimidate me and called him little soldier man. He got more aggressive but I found his candor amusing. What sort of man needs to assert his place by trying to use physical aggression and swearing at me. When it was clear I wasn’t in the slightest bit unnerved, he threatened to bring his ‘soldier friends’ to ‘sort me out.’ This only made me laugh more. Would he honestly tell his mates that a soccer mum gave him a hard time and get them to come and find me. He continued to make comments while I called him little soldier man and got in my car to drive away. I’m not perturbed by bullies like him. Although I find his need to be physically aggressive and threaten his mates on me typical of a male attitude. A woman won’t be submissive, so the man has to assert himself in other ways.
Another man wouldn’t have taken that shit, so why would I have to as a woman?
I have dealt with much scarier men in my time.
I got back home and continued the various household chores with a view to walking the dog later in the park when the weather was due to clear.
After the chores and it still miserable outside, and my shoulder of course screaming at me, I sat down to watch a movie. I thought it would be a thriller, but at the beginning a woman was subjected to a graphic and horrific rape. Before and during the attack he was saying reassuring things. As though any pain and indignity were a minor part of a normal behaviour. It was much like my attack. I immediately began feeling the signs of a panic attack and took some diazepam. I considered calling my husband but then I thought better of it. He’s not going to be there for me, it will be obligatory and no doubt tallied up as another ‘drama’ and interruption at work. I tried texting him, a few texts went unanswered and then he text telling me to turn off the movie. But I couldn’t. I needed to know how it ended. I needed to know if she got on with life afterwards.
It was a revenge style movie, not realistic, but I found comfort in her reactions, her daily personal battles.
I’d written to the hospital a few days ago to mention the nurse that looked after me overnight. He was very warm, caring and made me feel comfortable and safe. A rarity for me, especially with a male nurse. But he was reassuring and completely non judgemental. I wanted his manager to know that because of his care, I wasnt thrown into the midst of PTSD and my struggle to get control (and get the hell out of there!).
The hospital responded today that they appreciated my feedback and it would be passed on.
It was a timely reminder that there are gentle, caring men in this world.
The weather has started to clear but I feel some anxiety about going out with the dog. I’d gotten very good – even walking him at night. But the movie and my own story plays in my head.
I’d liked to have talked to someone at that point. I scanned my list of friends in my mind, who could ground me and reassure me? But the truth is, I didn’t want to burden anyone. I didn’t want to express my vulnerability.
My husband has always been my ‘go to.’ But he’s making clear boundaries that our relationship is platonic and I fear confiding in him will muddy those boundaries. Plus I can’t handle the rejection.
So I have vowed to continue the afternoon alone in my fears and hope that tomorrow is better for me.
This afternoon I’m taking my daughter to the dr because of all her ongoing allergies. Although how much is physiological and how much is amateur dramatics I don’t know. So I need the dr to give me the answers. I’m not concerned about that appointment.
Im feeling a tad emotional today. It’s moments like these that show how poles apart my husband and I have become. I think what bothers me the most is that he knows how much he’s hurting me and confusing me, but doesn’t care. How can I reconcile the fact I’m living with a man that doesn’t love me (by his own admission) and doesn’t care that I’m left hanging.
But again, my choice is to wait it out. To see if anything can be fixed. Although on days like this I feel lonely.
I will just keep going along, see how things pan out. And manage myself as best I can.
After all, I am all I have.