I haven’t written down my feelings over the last week or so. Frankly because it’s so unstructured and so unpredictable, it would change every hour.
Firstly, I sought legal advice over the separation. I came away feeling more empowered. The lawyer said a couple of times, quite bluntly, your husband has already seperated from you. I needed to hear that. He feels he’s ‘shut down’ and at the moment not prepared to talk/work at/face everything. But in essence he has left me, although not physically. I thought a separation required the actual relocation of a person – but it doesn’t.
There are so many things I miss. Putting a hand on his back in the night, the affection, the hugs, the stolen kisses, the private jokes and of course the intimacy. Ironically I’ve not been fussed about affection before, but now I crave the feeling of being held, being kissed, being loved. Frankly, I can’t remember him and I actually having that spontaneously. Of course in retrospect I should have seen the signs and done something – worked harder. But I can’t go back in time, and I can’t force him to hold me or even love me like he used to.
I feel like I’ve lost a best friend, lover and husband. He’s not my first call anymore, or my person to share anecdotes with. I have wrestled with feelings of loss, grief, regret, denial. I have sobbed at night, during the day, driving the car. But gradually I realise that my final stage is acceptance.
We argue a lot now. Over petty things, it’s amazing how we can both be so adamant it’s the others fault. There is an unwillingness to compromise, to relent. It’s very combative. But I guess I’ve felt so unsure around him, so keen to say and do the right thing, but his constant reluctance to sort things out, to deal with it, to formulate a way forward has ground me down. I’m actually pissed off! And this, I can work with! I’m not going to play submissive and desperate anymore. Frankly, the whole thing annoys me.
I’m still working tirelessly to find work, even friends are helping. But it’s already against me that I have children, that I haven’t worked for so long, that I’m not a born kiwi. It’s very demoralising receiving rejection after rejection. He doesn’t want me, companies don’t want me.
Luckily friends keep me going. Their support and encouragement.
The kids, well, they know we argue. More than usual. And they’ve always seen us being close and affectionate with each other. They know things are changing. All I can do is keep reminding them that we love them and will always be there for them. I feel I can trust him where the kids are concerned. To be united and not use them as pawns. I really don’t want them too affected by this. Although I know it’s inevitable to an extent. I would gladly do family counselling.
I’m not ashamed or uncomfortable about leaving a marriage where there is no love or mutual respect. It’s not the 1950s anymore! People do end marriages.
So I’m hoping for a peaceful, amicable Xmas. That the kids get to enjoy being kids with two parents that are united.
My shoulder is still painful. The X-rays showed no fractures or torn ligaments. So they’ve diagnosed frozen shoulder. I’ve been referred to an osteopath, and have painkillers. Hopefully the osteopath can help with my migraines as well. The injury where I had stitches has become a cyst. But the dr knows my shoulder is too painful to do anything about that right now.
Still down a washing machine! So on my regular trips to the laundromat, which keeps me occupied, aside from the usual house chores. Managed to source a second hand dryer in the interim.
Next Sunday is the last group meeting of the year. Apparently everyone is supposed to take some Xmas food. It’ll be nice to see everybody again.
He’s away next week, Thursday – Saturday, so I’ll likely have some friends around. Relax and enjoy the evenings without tension.
Today I was very busy and then caught up with friends. It was a lovely hot afternoon. And to be able to unwind in good company was a welcome treat.
Next week, osteopath and psychiatrist! Keeping body and mind in check 😊
Considering the circumstances, I’m feeling quite strong. I guess we never know how much we can take until we’re really pushed.