Face, heart and ugliness

I’ve tried to keep myself busy the last few days, doing things that make me feel more normal. Admittedly I’ve also been very honest and vocal about things on Facebook and I’ve received so much support – it’s impossible not to feel inspired and respected by friends that genuinely seem to care. I feel less alone and I feel the sense of disappointment is shared rather than in my heart to ruminate over. 

Today I went and got waxed. I prefer waxing to shaving and there’s the added benefit of feeling more clean all over. Not that I have anyone to impress or show. It’s purely for my own indulgence.

I then caught up with the beauty therapist that’s become a firm friend to me. Due to cancellations I was able to get a facial, my lashes and brows done and a mani pedi. I feel more like myself. I feel cared for and pampered. I’d love for it to be like the old days, my husband is impressed, I feel confident, we make dinner plans, organise a babysitter. But he won’t see me in that way now. Perhaps he regards me more like a sister. I want to be seen as a woman, sexy, beautiful, I want my husband to see that I’ve got clear skin and feel more presentable – less like an old bag lady. I think he compliments me like he would any woman. It’s generic but there’s no real interest. I miss being gathered up in a hug, I miss kissing, I miss being sexy. I think he started seeing me as a sister figure a long time ago. Perhaps before even our troubles started. I thought he was being mindful about my fears because of my history, but really it’s because I don’t interest him in that way. I know he finds women attractive on programmes we watch. I’m sure he probably gets relief from porn – when I’m not around.

My attempts to be seen as anything other than his overweight wife with issues are futile. I will never be more to him.

All of my life, men have lusted over me. Made lewd comments, tried to get my affections, or even not waited for an invite. Now I’m a mother of 4, unsightly, unwanted and damaged. Despite my own shortcomings my husband always {once} seemed to see me as beautiful and desirable. But then that changed.

I really would like to be loved, held, cared for, made love to, seen as a woman – not just a mother – a tolerance.

I felt better today. I felt supported by friends, I felt pampered, felt more tolerant of my own face that I hate to see reflected. But then I hung on my husband’s reaction – please see I made an effort. Will I ever be beautiful to you?

I have my answer. I feel an inner sense of sadness, loss, disappointment.

To add to this, my husband looks great. His skin clearer than it has been for a long time, he’s lost a lot of weight – although he could always carry it because he’s broad and strong. He looks fantastic in his fitted suits, he looks confident, he looks younger.

No wonder I’m such an embarrassment to him. I’m a failure in every sense of the way.

Tomorrow is my appointment with my psychiatrist. I have no idea how to manage that. She’s the American that I barely know. She’s on rotation and she doesn’t seem happy here in NZ. I don’t feel the need to confide in her in depth. Perhaps just the symptoms, look to a medication tweak.

I’m just a clumsy old fool, struggling to get through the days. Trying not to damage my kids. 

Thank god for friends that love me unconditionally. I don’t anticipate ever being loved or held by anyone else for the rest of my life. This is the price I must pay. This is what I deserve. 


One thought on “Face, heart and ugliness

  1. Hi my friend
    I know how it feels to be the only one in a marriage. Your marriage my not work, I hope it does for every member in the family. I would spend more time learning to love yourself and your negative self talk. Will it make a difference in your marriage, it could, it may not. Regardless of what happens tomorrow in you marriage, working on your less will make you feel better, take more pride and feel more confident. You deserve those things and more. Learn you limits and triggers, spend time doing fun things you haven’t done in ages. When he hears you are having fun, working on yourself and feeling confident, maybe you can go to therapist to see if possible to work out. None of the same people you see know. If that is difficult, go on mini dates, that way neither feels to much pressure. Don’t talk about marriage, maybe a few things you used to do together that were really fun…..then leave it open to maybe we can do X later. Just enjoy the time and see how he treats you.
    Take care. You can do anything you try.


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