I hate my reflection

I knew I was changing when I was in Cambodia. My thoughts on things, my responses, my overall outlook. I took these changes as positive. I was able to look at myself objectively, removed from ordinary life, consider my flaws, my weaknesses. Consider it was time I changed for the better, stop being so self absorbed, so selfish.

Coming back to my family I feel confused about my role. I figure in time that will smooth out. 

I don’t intend on feeling sorry for myself or complaining on how bad I have it. Because I don’t.

But I am sad and I do feel like I don’t know myself. I don’t feel strong. I don’t feel able to relate. I feel like a looming figure and I’m not sure how to handle my emotions. 

I want to blend in, carry on, but I feel a heavy resistance. I worry about a lot of things, that I can’t say out loud. I want to keep hidden away, I don’t want my unhappiness and uncertainty registered by my family.

My confidence and self assurance has gone. I feel so unsure of myself, so tired of the days. 

I have started looking for work. The jobs are boring, but I need to contribute financially. I need to play my part in this family. But I worry, I honestly worry about my capacity to interact with other people. 

I don’t feel angry, I don’t feel anything other than a sadness and loneliness that is hard to articulate.

It’s not good for the children. They need a positive mother, a strong force, dependable. My husband needs to see my commitment, he needs to know I’m trying.

I hate my reflection. I look so twisted and ugly. I took pictures of myself curled up with my son this morning to put on Facebook. But I had to take 20-30 photos and delete all but three. I looked so repulsive. My son looked cute and beautiful in all of them of course.

I don’t know what to say to my children, or friends that contact me. I feel like I have nothing of importance to say.

Even this blog entry is miserable and pointless.

I became so self critical while I was away, and now I’m scared to reveal any part of me.

I still feel like a guest in the house. Displaced. 

I need for things to get better. I’m in this really hard place. I’d like to set myself goals but I find I’m often in a state of confusion. Hopefully that’s still jet lag, perhaps residual from the medication, I need it to pass quickly.

I’m starting to consider my worst fear might be true and that is, I’m not supposed to be around people. 

Perhaps I deserve to wander the earth alone. Instead of inflicting myself on other people.

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