Glimmer of hope

Yesterday evening as my husband and I finished watching tv for the evening he welcomed me into a spontaneous hug. It didn’t feel awkward, or like he was doing it in a robotic motion. It’s the first sign of tenderness and for me to believe he might not actually despise me completely. 

His arms felt warm and I felt held and protected. But I cant chase him for more. I need to wait for his terms. I feel so alone, I needed that physical comfort. I need to be touched and loved and wanted. 

I have many times of wanting to reach out, but I know I’ll be rejected or come off too needy.

I am trying to hold things together. I’ll see my psychiatrist next week, it’s important I don’t leave my mental health abandoned. I want to fight this. I can’t get lost in the fog.

I feel so tired, I always wake up panicked and confused about where I am. 

Sometimes I lie looking at the back of my husbands head. Wondering how we got to this. Well, it’s me. My fault. I pushed a good man away. Now I’m suffering the loss everyday. I’m an idiot. A lonely stupid idiot.

I don’t know how I’m going to get through these next few months. But my children need me. Even if my brain is half there, that’s better than nothing. 

I need to push through. I can only hope that things fall into place. One thing is for sure I can’t control anything in my life anymore. 

I just want to crawl into a hole and hide and sleep until I can be strong. Until I can live without nightmares, until my marriage is safe, until I can live fully.

But that’s typical me, it gets tough – so I hide.

I’m just so tired of fighting my way through ordinary days all the time.

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