Bubble

I’m feeling like an imposter. Like I don’t really belong here. The kids are so happy to have me back. They got really upset when I was taken away in an ambulance. We told them after it was from my motorbike accident – I did manage to get a headscan there didn’t reveal anything. These headaches are a real nuisance. 

I shouldn’t have taken too many pills, I don’t know what I was thinking. It was incredibly selfish of me, and any chance I had reuniting with my husband has probably gone. As I’ve only proved I haven’t changed at all. Still selfish.

I feel like I’m in bubble, watching everything around me, but not really here. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to move or go anywhere.

In part the time difference and taken my medication at a different time doesn’t help. I’ve always been sensitive to the venlafaxin. I felt it going over there, but of course I had things to occupy my mind with.

Here is bland. I don’t really have a role to play – mother, yes. Wife, my husband isn’t interested. If I try and broach it, I get shut down.

I feel very alone. In Cambodia I was alone and I knew it would be tough coming back here with my family falling apart, but now I’m with people and alone.

November I hear the result of the pre case management meeting. I’m trying not to think about it. I’ve nightmares every night, but I can’t rely on my husband so I need to soothe myself. I am actually losing it. But my husband will hate me more. So I can’t lose it in front of him.

My husband used to be my best friend, but I know he’s not telling me everything and I can’t really talk about my feelings. So we’re adults living together. We are my parents – and I hate it. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I can’t leave my children again, especially coming to Xmas. I guess I just need to survive each day. I feel a part of me dying every day.

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