Darkness

I felt the dark corners of depression creeping in.  I could manage it. When I got to Cambodia because of the time difference my medication was a bit screwed up. So I suffered side effects, and had to wait until my body adapted. Of course, being in Cambodia I was active, I was seeing and experiencing new things.

Coming back to NZ, I’ve taken the hardest hit. Of course I love my kids, and I’m happy to be home. But I guess with this fragile marriage, it’s been cold since I got back, and I just haven’t felt like I belong. This has been amplified by the medication trying to get back in order.

I can’t tell you what led to this, but all I know is that yesterday I took the prazison tablets, which I use for nightmares – and I’ve had a few. They also lower blood pressure. I took a packet of them. Swigged down by beer for good measure. I don’t know whether ultimately I wanted to die. I thought I had a pretty shot though.

Life feels painful. And I have this horrible sense of not belonging. Furthermore, I let my kids down really badly.

An ambulance ended up being called and I had seizures in the ambulance and on the way to hospital. I was taken to ICU with an oxygen mask because I couldn’t even breathe for myself and these seizures kept happening. I wasn’t aware I was having them, I only noticed I’d wet the bed. Which happened at every seizure. I spent most of the night in and out of consciousness. My night nurse was really nice.

In the morning of course it was the good old psyche team appointment. Everyone was keen for me to stay another night, but I wanted to get back with my family. And as Friday is a day off for the kids, I need to look after them.

My husband is furious. He’s told me how selfish I am, how he can’t trust me, etc. so our relationship has taken another blow.

To the kids we just explained it was my motorbike accident and I needed more tests.

I don’t know how to cope. I’m so lost at sea. My children need me and I must be there for them. But I know I’m alone .

I keep letting everyone down. I feel very alone.

I’m facing a few days of misery and a battle uphill.

But my husband is right, I can’t be selfish.

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3 thoughts on “Darkness

  1. I’m real sorry – sounds so awful. Please don’t listen to your husband. Your almost ex. He is very angry wtih you, and turns it on you. And you turn your anger on yourself. Not fair! I feel like I’m watching someone nice beat herself up more because an angry ex is also beating her up. Ouch.

    You are a good strong person. Would it be possible to get some distance from hubs and start re-building your self-esteem?

    Sorry if this is too forward. I’m hoping you feel more calmness and peace soon.

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  2. You are a good person who is hurting and feeling alone. That’s not selfish. I am so sorry things are so painful and hard right now. Living with hubby, but not being seen or feeling cared for has got to be hard and so hurtful. I hope you are able to reach out to someone and feel less alone. Xx

    Like

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