Houseguest

My kids were so excited to see me. It was even better than I imagined. The warmth and love. I couldn’t get enough of them.

I hadn’t slept on the plane, so I did grab a nap in the late afternoon. Later I sat with the kids to show them some pictures. They got very overwhelmed, over tired. I felt I needed a bit of space too. It’s weird going from being alone all the time to being surrounded. 

I really missed the buzzing of the city. Everything felt slow, regulated, predictable. My ache from Cambodia lay present in my heart.

At night I was freezing. Shivering. I asked my husband who barely uttered two worlds to me all evening if I could move closer to him. He agreed, but much in the same way a guy with no interest in a woman might. Obligated, but no excuse to really say no.

I felt so uncomfortable I asked for a duvet cover.

I slept so deeply – dreamt of Cambodia. 

In the morning my husband asked me to take the kids. Jet lag had total grip of me, I didn’t even know where I was and I hadn’t driven a car for so long I mounted the roundabout outside our house. My left arm unwilling to straighten for the wheel. What a mess. I shouldn’t have been driving. But this is my routine – this is what I came home for. 

We were late to the school. The girls asks me to miss school. I agreed. I liked the idea of having them around me. 

I dropped my boy off. He needs to be able to run and play – the girls are more self efficient.

I started with laundry – of course all of my stuff is unpacked, washed, away,  I’ve started on the mess around the kids rooms.   Trying to restore order. I’m surprised having known my mother in law was here that everything wasn’t already super neat to bring home my shortcomings.

I feel a bit bored. Tired, fed up. As though my time away was  meaningless. No one really cares.

My husband is especially disinterested in me. I feel like a guest. Like I need to ask politely if I need something to eat or drink.

He’s told me that we are basically flat mates. The precedent has been set. I mean nothing to him.

It’s the strangest concept to grasp. I live and in fact I’m still technically married to someone with no love or interest in me.

I need to feel a few weeks pass. I need to be in my routine again. I need to learn to look at my husband as my friend. My houseMate

life feels a bit sucky at the moment.

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