There are things I’ve learnt about myself that are not new – but have inevitably made me realise how my character flaws affect my daily life and those around me negatively.
My intolerance. I guess I have high expectations of people. In terms of their general regard for other people, their authenticity and their ability to learn and adapt. Because I’m so straight talking and assertive, I feel almost angry that other people don’t offer the same. I become intolerant. I am beside myself with frustration and angst. It’s unreasonable to expect that every person is comfortable being assertive. And it’s true that some people are not ‘face to face’ talkers. They want to complain to other people. But not be direct. Part of it is seeking security and commonality with another group of people. Creating a pecking order amongst a group. I need to learn that it’s my intolerance that’s the problem. Why begrudge the other people for their behaviours?
I’m impatient. I do want things tended to with urgency. Anything other will be seen as laziness, a conscious effort to let me down or I worry other people will forget, so it’s my place to remind them constantly. But in the grand scheme of things, what is so urgent? Unless a surgeon is blithering along, while someone I care about is lying bleeding on a table – does anything require that much of urgent attention? It’s my impatience that becomes the issue.
I guess this is combined with the other two. My need for control. I’m well aware of my struggle with this. Loss of control is a total nightmare for me. It can create panic attacks, frenzied attempts to regain control, changing my entire plans to show my control.
I’m sure there are others, but these have struck me as the greater of the weaknesses that impact almost daily. And certainly impact those around me.
Some could be blamed on my upbringing, some on the trauma I have experienced. But ultimately I am the one that chooses to continue with negative behaviours or try to change them. I accept these flaws – thus there is an issue. I am not in denial or defensive. So to not make positive steps would be ignorant, selfish, and show blatant disregard for people I care about.
I have come to realise that I have positive character traits that make me stand out, that draw people to me.
I am open and friendly. I can offer loyalty and an honest direct opinion. And I will fight until my last breath.
I love my family unconditionally. I am bonded to them. They are my strength, my reason for being, they challenge me, test me – show me my flaws, my strengths. No one can be as honest as a child in their observations.
I knew the above all the time, but being away for an extended period has heightened that. It’s scared me. It’s shown me some ugly truths.
I don’t envision that from now I will change overnight. But I must take accountability and I must try.
I’m lonely. I have made good friends here, but I still have this emptiness. Partly because of my marriage breaking down I expect and not knowing what the future will bring. But also because my own company is only good for short periods! I thrive on the energy around me.
I feel a bit lost at sea. As though I am losing myself.