End of my road

I’ve finally snapped. I can’t take it anymore. My son’s kindy was on lockdown because of some fucking deranged guy running away from police. I feel helpless and miserable. He’s my baby boy and if anything happened to him – I’d never live through it. I’m his mother, I should be there to protect him. It wasn’t that long ago my daughter’s school was on lockdown for the same reason which ended up with someone being shot down in the street. Believe me, this isn’t typical of NZ. I don’t know what the fuck is going on.

I’m exhausted, I don’t sleep much anymore, I’m plagued with nightmares. I don’t know why, but it’s always the same, someone trying to get in my room to attack me. 

Not having a Moto took away any sense of freedom I have. The tuk tuk was always late or not available. I’m getting to classes later, so I can’t prepare like I like to.

If I need to do laundry or buy personal items – it’s become a mission. It shouldn’t be that hard. I’m always begging for lifts or working around people. I hate not being independent. Meanwhile this shithead parades around like gods gift, doing as he pleases, with no one to report to, riding a Moto with no experience and no helmet and getting a salary!

My classroom was locked today, but my students didn’t want to join the other class, so they had to sit with me in a stinking hot staff room, no paper, no board. I just had to do ad hoc things to teach them. I could have sent them home, but I have an obligation to them. It’s a shame that obligation or professional courtesy isn’t extended to me by the organisation.

So in essence I’m tired and fed up. But I went and rented a Moto which isn’t cheap but a ride along the beautiful Mekong in the warm sun was a welcome and refreshing need, something I used to do previously. By hiring the Moto I’ve violated the policy of the organisation and it’s a small place – I knew I’d be caught out, so I was quite honest and emailed the organisation about it. I’ve also bought paracetamol and codeine for a stinking headache – which violates another policy about self medicating! 

I just want to get home. I want to be clean, I want to see my children, I want to live without ongoing oversight.

When I reported the locked classroom I was treated with disbelief. That was the final straw for me. Why would I lie about a fucking classroom being locked???? So I lost my temper. I hate that I came to that because I’ve not shouted at anyone or shown any level of aggression. Trying to replicate the calm, peaceful nature of the Cambodian culture. It felt wrong, I felt guilty. I have since apologised to the person. I never want to make people feel bad. I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end.

I managed to FaceTime with my kids today. The usual talk of missing each other for when I try desperately not to cry down the phone and tell them I miss them painfully.

I miss my husband. I miss watching movies with him. I miss the little things more than I ever thought possible. Just the comforting presence at night, the warmth of his body, putting my hand on him when I’m afraid or need comfort.

I love this country, but I’m beginning to feel stuck. My motivation is waning. I’m just tired, period.

I know I sound miserable and ungrateful. I’m truly grateful for the experience. And new friends. But it’s time for me to be with my family.

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One thought on “End of my road

  1. I’m so sorry about your struggle 😦 hope things get better for you soon- I would say I struggle too, but your struggles seem much more real and difficult than my silly interior crazy. Keep posting and keep fighting to make things better! 💜

    Like

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