I spent today predominantly in bed. I felt overwhelmingly exhausted and drained.
My communication with my husband – I didn’t think possible, sank to new depths. His hate, anger, disregard for me stronger than ever. I have felt totally alone. I was unsure how to make my next move. My husband complained that staying in Phonm Penh wasn’t an option because of expense. He’s already annoyed at the mounting costs following my accident and heading back to PP. I am a nuisance to him. Had I have not been wearing a helmet and died, I think he would have felt some relief. No more drama, no more organising things for me, no more communication. I don’t blame him for this.
With the police and criminal investigation I have going on I have been absorbed in my own issues, my own party of self loathing.
I thought that giving him space and pursuing my interest in Cambodia would help him. But in fact I’ve needed his help to manage things from here. Then following the panic attack, I embroiled him in another of my issues. I drew on his strength and calm and this hasn’t helped in my attempt to prove my own strength.
I emailed the organisation and requested a private taxi back to Kratie. No other pick ups,license plate recorded and he’s picking me up from my hotel. I think I’ve covered the bases for my security. I also saw this as a compromise to my husband. No further large hotel costs, and I will go on as intended to teach for the remaining time.
Frankly though nothing will appease him. Unless I say I’ve been offered a job and I’m never going home. That won’t happen though because I miss my children desperately. I want to be there for them. Even though it means facing my husband’s disgusted look and feeling his sense of repulsion at my presence.
How did I ever think this would all turn out to be ok?
He doesn’t care about my self reflection here, what I’m learning, what I’m experiencing. Just the costs and drama I bring to his door in NZ.
How can anyone turn so hateful? So bitter? This is something I have created and I’m lost in limbo with this situation.
I still have nightmares, I still face my fears, but I’m doing it alone.
He will never be proud of me – what is there to be proud of? An emotional child still clinging onto the past.
My family is ripped apart. I don’t know what sort of life I can expect in NZ. I don’t know if the kids still care about me.
I’ve failed as a wife, have I failed as a mother too?
Life is never going to be the same. The one person I thought would always be there – would always be ready to accept me and love me – now hates me to the core.
I am ashamed of myself. I hate myself. I am worth nothing. Worse still, I’m scared that I have nothing.