Messy head

I saw my consultant again today. My arm is healing nicely and I will have the stitches removed on Friday. However, ongoing headaches and slight uncoordinated movements have highlighted the potential need for a head scan. Apparently, although the first 24 hours are crucial with concussion, within a two week period symptoms can flare up indicating slight swelling of the brain. And the chances are made higher by the fact I smashed up my helmet. Some swelling will heal itself, others require surgery. The latter is really not appealing here in Cambodia!

On Friday we will evaluate the need, which also gives me time to check in with my insurance company.

I also spoke to my children today on FaceTime and I have to say at this stage my maternal pull is so strong, I can’t bear much more time without them. It’s become almost painful, like I’m incomplete. Time seems to have stopped, and I can’t seem to function without their smell, noise, chaos and warm cuddles anymore. I’ve not had their pictures as my wallpaper on my phone since I arrived, it’s been too painful. When I relented it lasted two days, but their innocent and cheeky smiles on my phone made me feel physically sick. Like everything is wrong.

I’ve tried talking to my husband again. To find his heart, find out how he feels, but it’s a constant shut down. I linger over every text I send, I worry I might say something wrong, something to irritate or stress him out. I try to be patient, I try to be understanding, I try not to expect too much. But I will never know what’s going on with him. I’m frozen out and there’s nothing I can do about that. Not at least until we can talk in person I guess. I’m resigned to the fact that he barely tolerates me, and if he will be happier to leave me, I will do whatever he wants. I have given up on my own expectations and needs. I just want him to be happy. Even if that means he will jump ship on my return. 

Sometimes you just have to let go, even if it’s excruciatingly painful. I’m not going to beg or play games or demand his attention like a child. I am beyond all of that nonsense. I just want peace and I want my children to be happy and feel secure.

Tomorrow I have arranged to catch up with the tuk tuk driver that took me to Teoul Slang and the Killing Fields. I’m pleased to see he’s started his own touring business and is doing well. Tomorrow he will take me to see how silk is made. I’ll be grateful to be out and doing something different with my time. It will take my mind off of everything and give me a chance to immerse myself in the local culture again.

This evening I sat at the Sky Bar, watched the angry sun burn away amidst the dark clouds and was encaptured by a powerful lightening storm. 80s love songs played in the background, an array of different nationalities chatted around me. The atmosphere was nice, but I felt all to aware of my loneliness. Aware that unlike everyone else, my family weren’t here to appreciate the moment.

   
 

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