I’m feeling drained today.
I’ve felt it all day. This evening’s class made more difficult by a student that didn’t want to turn his phone off during my lesson. And questioning my method. Both I was able to deal with directly and assertively but it added to my sense of being drained.
Thinking about classes, thinking about English, the exchange of money, the value of things, communication and cultural barriers. Never feeling entirely clean because of the filth and dust. And of course the ever present consideration and stress of back home.
I just didn’t get my flow going today. Everything felt like more hard work. I realise that’s a lot to do with it being the end of my first working week. I’ve had to learn so much, put so much energy into everything. By tomorrow evening I will be flat but relieved that I can relax a bit more. I hope to recharge and feel more into a routine.
Don’t get me wrong, my passion and intentions aren’t lost. But it doesn’t matter where you go or what you do, I think there’s always a period of feeling a bit drained. Especially when you put your heart and soul into something.
I miss my children. I miss affection. I miss deep personal bonds and connections.
I have a base, but I don’t have a home here.
The Mekong usually tranquil and peaceful is choppy today. Unpredictable, moody. I like to see the changes to the skyline and the water. But today it was more like me. Churning, different from the usual flow.
I’m tired. Too tired to lose myself in a book or a movie. Too tired to think, to plan, to immerse myself or lose myself.
I hope to sleep peacefully. I hope to get through my lessons tomorrow with relative ease.
I hope my family haven’t forgotten me. I hope they’ve not fallen into a routine that’s easy and realise I’m not actually worth much.
I hope I’m improving myself. Growing. Learning. But this evening I can’t see what I am, or feel my true self.
I think I need a good nights sleep. A bath would be nice too!