Yesterday was a real downer. I think I got that across!
I honestly felt so hopeless, lonely, such despair. How could I motivate myself again? It’s one thing to suffer a depressing hit at home, another in butt fuck nowhere, completely isolated and feeling like a miserable, defeatist shithead.
This morning I got up early as per my usual routine here – aside from yesterday. Had my obligatory coffee and coke light. And thought, what the fuck am I doing?
I came here to find myself again, to explore and to help in a country I feel most passionate about. I came to make my family proud, to accomplish something.
What’s the point if I’m just wallowing and beating myself up about my husband? He’s not going to change his mind. I have as I said, systemically over time destroyed the man. Going home I would only be in the way and cause him more stress. My children would see that it’s ok to quit when it’s hard. That I left them to help other people – but let those people down. Another story of Mummy falling apart. My failings.
I walked along the Mekong. I checked out other accomodation but feel where I am is the better of all. I met a nice tuk tuk guy that offers local tours.
I then met with the Director of CRDT (Cambodia Rural Development Team). I talked about going out into the field with his team. I asked about other NGOs, we talked about this teaching program, it’s a trial here. We talked about a few things. He was very amiable, helpful. We exchanged details.
So I need to re focus. I love my family and I want to be with them. But now isn’t a good time. My husband needs time to sort his stuff out, and hopefully he can respect me again. He can find room in his heart to be proud of me.
Equally I must learn to be humble, more patient, more considerate. Less selfish, more loving.
I let lots of bad things define me. I became so bitter and embroiled in my own life story that I forgot to love, forgot to think. As my husband quite rightly observed – I’m reactive. I don’t consider before I do things.
The loneliness and agony of yesterday is still there in my heart. It will eat my alive if I let it.
But I must be strong and I must have courage. There is nothing to achieve for me right now but to look ahead and be ready to teach.
This journey is the hardest so far I have embarked on – both literally and metaphorically.