Ends and starts

I feel weak from the virus but fed up of being cooped up.

My internet connection is poor and intermittent so I’ve not spoken to the kids as much as I’d have liked.

My husband and I spoke quite a bit via text yesterday. He said more to me in those messages than he has done in months. All of my thoughts confirmed, although he hadn’t admitted another woman. He doesn’t love me, the marriage is truly over. There was some argument over blame and who was accountable for what. 

But the point is, the conversation, the unspoken truth has been said. The end is here.

I have residual flu, I’m in Cambodia, I’ve missed most of the induction, I’m still tired. I feel very alone, unsure of myself. 

My husband has promised to continue to support me here – not least because I’m sure he’d prefer I don’t return yet!

I’m glad to finally hear him admit his truth. The cord needed severing. There was always uncertainty and awkwardness. But it makes sense now. The disappointment and how he hadn’t given emotionally. The way he was so shut down. But I still needed that clarification – the words. 

I’m still so tired and worn down.

Of course it hurts. It hurts like I’ve been stabbed a thousand times. When you lose control of a car, it doesn’t make the impact any less painful because you knew you’d lost control. 

But there is a framework now. 

I don’t know how it will be managed on my return – but I will be returning to see my children. To be with them.

My children are my greatest achievement and I love them. I don’t believe my husband/ex husband – will do anything to ruin my relationship with them.

Maybe we can retain a friendship. 

The journey has most definitely begun! – must take some panadol and slowly begin!

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4 thoughts on “Ends and starts

  1. Penny, I’m sorry about your marriage, but I am glad you finally have an answer and are no longer in limbo. I hope this time away is healing for you, helps you to find penny again. Take care, and feel better. Xx

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  2. Hi friend
    no matter what you and husband feel for each other, try to always get along for the kids. I’m a testament to what happens when one parent is out to destroy the other.
    I know you are disappointed to be sick upon arriving. With the tree you’ve been under and the long trip it’s not surprising you’re sick.
    Enjoy you’re time, these are memories for a lifetime.
    I’m thinking of you.
    Hugs
    Keep your chin up
    M

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  3. I find it quite good that you guys didn’t throw it in and he left and just ditched you, its great hes happy to support you no matter the reason. It sounds somewhat civil? And open? Which can only be a good thing at the end of something as big as marriage.
    If only we could take panadol for heartache.

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