So something I wanted to talk about in a separate blog.

I may or may not have already mentioned that when I had a Skype interview with the manager, his facial features, glasses and name are identical to how I remember my attacker. 

I hoped that seeing him person would eliminate those concerns as I would get to know and identify him as an individual.

Admittedly we haven’t spent much time together to allow that to occur, but my concern about managing this is a new thing for me. I’ve not had this before.

I find myself having to consciously look him in the face and I also find myself looking for signs of him being dodgy or deviant. It probably sounds crazy. Even as I write it, I feel silly. 

When I was so ill, it was him that came to my rescue. And when he was in my room, I felt so anxious and tense. I know my brain was fighting to replay flashbacks but my rational mind was fighting to see the ludicrousness of the situation.

Fortunately on a major plus side he is a New Zealander. So that helps ground me, if he was British too, it would be immensely more difficult.

I did have a terrible nightmare on my first night, but that’s because of the new surroundings, the sickness and the drama of the hotel. I was convinced someone had crawled through the broken (yes, broken!) window and was standing in the room. I was half awake and paralysed with fear. I couldn’t even move to switch on the light. 

So as I anticipated, the symptoms are with me. But worse now, I have this person who is a dead ringer in my circle.

He saw me at my most vulnerable and there’s no doubting his intentions or the fact he’s a good person. I just hope that with time my brain continues to grow on those facts. 

Certainly there is no escaping the past.

But hopefully there is learning from this new challenge 


One thought on “Transference 

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