Leaving

So today we celebrated Egg’s birthday. It was a great success. And my husband and I didn’t argue all day.

There was plenty of mess and chaos (and me with my trusty rubbish bags!). And in all, a nice way to spend the last weekend with my family.

  
  
I even got lots of cuddle time with my son

  
But my bag remained pack. And whilst I will miss the children terribly, I must go on to fulfil my opportunity to work in Cambodia, in the most poorest, rural areas. 

Although I enjoyed the day, the atmosphere is still tense. I still feel misplaced and something’s just require too much energy and commitment – which clearly my husband and I can’t give each other at the moment. Sure, we could band aid it, but the damage is deep and I’m still feeling extremely alone, hurt and confused. My legal case will still go on, his issues remain his priority and I am still drowning. Still unsure of who I am anymore. Unable to connect, and feel trapped by expectations and denying my need to grow, to experience my own journey of healing and grief.

Life is out of balance – uncomfortably so. And though it would be easy to stick my head in the sand – I can’t bear many more nights of feeling so empty and waking with the immense dread of the forthcoming day.

I’m not naive enough to think that the demons won’t follow me. That my dreams will become peaceful and that I will have a life changing epiphany while away. I know the struggles will follow, and the pain will at times be all encompassing. I know I’ll have moments where I wonder – what the hell am I doing here? That emails will drop into my mailbox from my legal team – both triggering and painful reminders of what I have endured and continue to endure.

Symptoms of PTSD will accompany me on the plane and to my destination. They will try to stop me, second guess myself/people/environment. But the difference is, I need to find acceptance of who I am. I need to find peace and enjoyment in the simple things. I need to connect with different people, test myself, and not feel the weight of the unhappy person beside me. I need to make my own judgement calls and form thoughts and feelings without trying to suppress myself for fear of upsetting the children or causing arguments at home.

I have booked my flights. I need to embrace a different chapter in my life. I want to find peace and a renewed sense of purpose and hope.

Simply I need time. More than a few days to refresh. I need time to rediscover the person I am, the passions I once knew. 

I need to be able to stop living because of my children – I need to find a way to live because I want to live for myself and not out of obligation.

  
So, next week my travels begin. I’m both excited but terrified.

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