Looks like my passport has arrived. I have been like a dog jumping at the door whenever I hear a van. I knew it would be any day now.
This afternoon I took my eldest daughter, my boy and me out for haircuts. In that time the courier arrived. I have a ‘come to collect’ waiting for me. So tomorrow I will duly collect my passport, head to immigration in the city for a stamp and will at that stage be free to leave when I choose.
Some power back.
No more limbo.
To date, my husband and I have avoided each other. Sick of arguments and knowing that we are only existing around each other. Communication is the odd question or text, usually relating to the kids.
How did it get so bad so quickly? I can’t pinpoint the exact moment. Just the awareness that things were cracking. Then the panic, no one likes the status quo to change. The fear of being alone, of being rejected and unloved. The attempts to band aid the situation. Barely lasting a day. My desperation to see the caring supportive man I devoted most of my life too. And no doubt he too has been trying to remember why he fell in love with me in the first place.
Then the honesty, it’s been like this for far too long. Is it actually fixable? Is it worth it?
Considering I’ve been so alone the last few months and my husband has been aware of my pain, aware of my fight, but chosen to turn a blind eye is testament to the degeneration of our relationship. The change in the way he makes me feel. The look of disdain, freezing me out. It’s been a hard pill to swallow.
But I can’t ignore this sadness in my soul, even just for the children’s sake. I feel like crap, I feel so empty.
I’m sat in the bedroom now while he plays computer games. He has no interest in me. I have sought him out time over to encourage dialogue but end up feeling like a neglected puppy trying to get his masters attention. That’s not me. Our relationship should be equal. It always used to be.
Everything has changed. Can I give a time and date of when that happened? No. Could I have predicted such turn in events? Actually yes. When you pretend that everything is all right for so long, you are lying to your heart and soul. And this emptiness grows inside like a seed. Stressors come and go, but the damage is done. The seed grows a bit more. Eventually you are forced to face the truth. You can either hide from it or embrace it. I’ve always preferred to hide. I’m a coward. But now I can’t handle living like this. The gnawing away at each other, the second guessing.
I have to find myself again. I have to experience my passion – for doing something I enjoy and for life in general.
I have to learn to love myself again. Over time I became dependant on my husband. He was my guardian, my rock, everything safe. Familiar, warm and loyal.
Recently he’s made me feel inadequate, unattractive, unworthy, lonely, weak and desperate.
I need to breathe. And I need to relinquish this seed.
I need to remember who I am. I need to be ready for my trial, because my husband won’t be holding my hand anymore. He won’t be comforting me in the night. He won’t be my person.
I’m so sad. Devastated that it’s come to this. But determined to be true to myself.