Horrible weed in a garden

I’m fed up trying to defend my actions to my husband. I’m the perpetual bad guy. 

I have relinquished control of my family. He’s on his own course now, and anything I say, feel, think or do is irrelevant to him now. 

Most of the time I feel like this annoying bug that he wants to swat away. 

Sometimes I wish he’d just lash out and hit me. A tangible release of his frustration and annoyance with me. He might feel better for it. And the pain, a ripping blast, would be a wound. Visible to watch heal. As opposed to the look of sometimes revulsion, sometimes hate, mostly fed up – that lingers and bores into my soul. The way his presence fills the air with static – his mind a million miles away. The way he corrects me, my arguments disintegrate into childish babble, beneath him. I’m beneath him. That’s how he talks to me, makes me feel.

I feel more alone then I ever have. 

I dream constantly of getting away. 

I want to wake up and feel like I have a chance to be happy. I don’t want to wake up and feel the intense misery and loss of hope.

My daughters make constant remarks about me not doing anything. How Daddy does the work. He doesn’t defend me like used to. Why would he? It’s true. 

I want my children to be proud of me. I’m tired of being seen as weak, useless, pathetic – although in truth, that’s entirely what I am.

My fire has died. 

My precious son is young enough so that he can still love me unconditionally. And I adore him. He gives me purpose. He gives me strength. 

Today he had a rare moment of sadness before kindy, perhaps he picked up on my own misery. I picked him up and cuddled him. So close, his little heart against mine. Time stopped. A warm, soft doll in my arms. A need between us for affection, for love and understanding. Neither wanting to let go. My beautiful boy. I don’t know how long we stood like that, even when the rain started. He stayed silently holding me, safe, cherished. 

But one day soon he will look at me like his father, like the others. What do you do? You’re miserable? You don’t do anything. The reality that I’m a nothing, a nobody. Their disappointment a mirror of my own.

I have no fight. How can I expect respect?

Even as I write this my tears are flowing, my nose is running.  I’m a mess. 

It’s not a case of wanting to go away anymore, it’s a case of needing to.

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3 thoughts on “Horrible weed in a garden

  1. Anxiety is such a drain on a person and sadly it also affects our relationships with others. I really feel for you as I have felt the same. I don’t offer the following as advice, just things to think about because ultimately you know yourself and your partner better than anyone else.

    Do you take time for just the two of you when you’re up to it? Perhaps something you both enjoy with little chance of anxiety ramping up? I also found that with my relationship, I shut down when my anxiety arose, not just because I couldn’t strong two words together but also because I felt like a burden, a problem and something that my partner just didn’t need. Although we feel like we should shut down, opening up is the best thing we can do for both people. Yes the anxiety is your journey, but you can share in other ways, let them know what it is about them you appreciate. Never apologise for your anxiety or your struggle, that’s part of who you are right now, but it will change. Share in things that will bring you closer together. It’s also really good to do things separately that you both enjoy, it helps reduce the stress and prevents resentment on both parts.

    Above all be kind to yourself, each and every day practice some self compassion no matter how small, because you deserve it

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  2. I’m praying for peace. I understand the turmoil you are feeling but understand that these are your perceptions. Your children love you and need you so very much. You are such a strong woman and you have push through so much. Someday you will look back at these pain filled days as a stepping stone on a long journey & you (and your kids) will be proud of the strides you made. Anxiety and depression are huge waves that threaten to pull you under, but you can (& must) hold on & overcome… People need you.
    This pain will pass just as it always has…
    Remember that you are loved…..

    Liked by 1 person

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