Yesterday was busy. After I did the usual school run I went to therapy, I was reluctant.
It’s been a couple of weeks now. It’s amazing how much has changed. I felt like I wouldn’t be able to reconnect with my therapist. Which was true to an extent.
I’ve been apart from my husband for two consecutive weekends and in that time has been the culmination of our ‘stuck in a rut’ marriage. His attendance of a funeral and the interception of the CPS into my case. Of which the strain has put considerable measure on our marriage has shown how further apart we’ve become.
It’s hard to articulate that to the therapist who doesn’t know our whole backstory and whose belief system is clearly orientated towards family sticking together regardless – all in the space of an hour. When I still want to work on my own journey of healing and self discovery.
I left not really feeling I’d taken anything away from the session, aside from possibly talking out loud to an objective party.
I then had a friend over for coffee. She was fantastic to speak to. Insightful. We talked for hours and I find her perspective very calming and considered. She’s a strong woman who has made some tough decisions but is all the better for it. We could talk about the gritty things, the tough things. The things that probably wouldn’t usually come out. It was confronting, but I needed that sort of conversation.
Then it was time for a conference call.
I spoke to a guy in Cambodia who runs a grassroots NGO in rural Cambodia. Initially started in Phon Phem, they were asked to move out and target the small, more poverty stricken and less able to commute township. Which is where my interest lies. Plus being aligned with local NGOs which interest me, I thought this might be a good opportunity.
Speaking to him sparked my passion once again. I found myself considering possibilities and opportunities that I never thought possible for a long time. This is my passion, always has been.
We clicked immediately and I sensed his own passion and ideals. His enthusiasm and interest in the culture. His passion for his work.
I allowed myself the dream of the possibilities.
But I realise my responsibilities as a mother and don’t really want to leave with things so uncertain between my husband and I.
I’m torn with guilt and conflicted between my obligations, fears and a need to pursue a journey of self discovery and reignite an interest and purpose that has always been deep rooted and part of me before I even met my husband. To find myself again and to take time from what has becoming an increasingly difficult and pressured situation, with which temporary (weekend) breaks away offer no respite anymore.
I’m also aware that the case will, if continue, gather momentum and require my energy and fight. I have nothing right now. And I can’t rely on my distant husband to provide me the comfort he used to. I need to find it within myself to confront my past and fight.
I need to find my identity again and I’d like my kids to be proud.
I feel so empty at the moment. When I look at the case, when I see my future. I’m not feeling any hope.
My husband is consumed with his own stress with I understand but it screams that we’re on different journeys right now. I’m sure he speaks often to different people to get comfort and guidance. And as I’m often shaken off, I feel like a nuisance, an inconvenience when it comes to my stuff or our stuff.
At the end of my call yesterday I felt both inspired and guilty.
This morning my husband and I spoke briefly this morning in relation to one his major stresses. He just needed something from me. He was fraught with tension and obviously had a lot of thoughts going on. I don’t understand the whole thing because it’s not been explained to me. So anything I offer is usually shut down or inappropriate or irritates him. I don’t know how I can offer support without annoying him. And as he’s so vested in this, my own issues perhaps seem trivial in comparison. Perhaps they are. Maybe again, he’s right and I’m wrong.
I feel very drained today. I feel like I’m meeting this fork in a road. That things have changed and life is quite uncertain and quite terrifying and part of me wants to hide until it passes over.