Lost

I’m tired. My key catchphrase. The mantra that I live by. The sentance that sums up my daily being. My response to the day, to my life, to everything.

It’s after 1pm. I’m in pjs, in bed. I’ve spent the morning closing my Facebook account, opening a new one and trying not to lose yet more friends as I inconvinience everyone moving over. Someone told someone. In malice – probably not. In a bid to clear themselves of carrying around a ‘secret’ and pass it off as the ‘right thing’ a misguided or selfish approach to a situation that they didn’t ask to be in. Frankly, one can only speculate, and as we know, it’s every man for himself in this world. Literally, every MAN for himself.

I’ve done with the tears and the trying to make sense of it. I just need to adjust and move on. The truth was bound to trickle out anyway. Closing down other media accounts, no great loss. Contacts come and go, if they’re meant to be in my life, I will find them again.

The more pressing issue, the greatest of my energy occurred last night. 

My husband and I had a babysitter come over and we went out. Although the first couple of hours was spent behind the bedroom door in discussion. The idea of a romantic dinner was not in either of our minds. Picking over pieces of our stale marriage, the cold parts, the neglected parts, the raw and tasteless parts was instead on our menu.

We then drove to the cinema. In the bar area, my facade of listening diligently and calmly slipped, I felt some anger rising, my tone rose. The loop of conversation that is never going to end. He is a good man, I’m a bad person. It’s true. He could have been a successful multi millionaire by now. Driving fast cars living the fast life. And here he is with this miserable woman full of issues and misery. I genuinely feel remorseful for him. He deserves so much better.

We entered the movie theatre. A rather bizarre thing to do following a clear conversation stating the end of our marriage. 

To absorb into a horror movie was nice. The jumps and the scares. The escapism into another story. Another realm. 

The drive home in silence.

My world has slanted and twisted at sickening angles and degrees. My vision has blurred and gravity feels like it’s ever shifting. 

What I’ve come to know, expect, take for granted is not there anymore. But in truth it never was. We became strangers long ago. We just chose to ignore it. The inconvenient truth of it all. 

And now I’m awaiting my passport, I feel like a guest in my home. The conversations now start with, ‘when you get back…’ 

At this point I regret proceeding to trial. I wanted justice, but I doubted my strength and I was right to do that. It takes everything you’ve got and I hardly had anything to start with. You need so much support, but our marriage was already strained.

All I can do is wait to leave. It tears me up to leave my children. But somewhere I stopped living. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. 

I’m completely lost. 

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7 thoughts on “Lost

  1. You didn’t ask for any of this. You are just as deserving as he is. I am sorry that you’re feeling so lost. Sending you lots of positive thought and gentle hugs, if okay?

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  2. It’s understandable to have second thoughts. It’s a scary process even in my own imagination. Though there are problems in your relationship with your partner, join the group. There always is.
    Also leaving your kids to help other kids. Is that really what you truly want?

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    1. I want to apologize for part of my remark yesterday. In pain, I didn’t elaborate gently, and it sounded so harsh and blunt, the marriage thing. It is such hard work. There were times I thought Samuel and I wouldn’t make it. If we hadn’t stuck together, I think I’d stumble on all the same struggles with someone else.
      I don’t know your situation, only you do. But you are going through so much right now and it reminds me a bit of me when overwhelmed. I do things I later regret tremendously and only care that you don’t go through that too. It makes everything so much worse.
      I’d hate to see you separate yourself from your family right now when you need them most.

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  3. I always want to say this when you discuss your hubs, but if I’m out of line feel free to say so. Do you really feel ‘remorseful for him’, that he has to put up with you???

    He sounds like a very shallow person, if he really thinks that but for you, he would be a millionaire driving fast cars. You did not ask for your issues, and they are not your fault, yet it sounds as if both of you think they are your fault. As a loving partner, it would be his role to step up and provide support, especially at this time of having the trial.

    OK, if he feels this is beyond him, or not what he signed up for – you will part. But to agree that this is in any way your fault seems bizarre. It sounds more like his own weakness to me.

    My two cents. Take care.

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