Thinking and living

Today I slept in. Sheer bliss. 

As I finished my book yesterday I drove into town and bought another couple. I love being able to get so engrossed in my books again.

I have wandered around town feeling anonymous and free. Not subject to time frames, subject to fears or unexpected emails or drama. I have felt peace. It’s a moment, a space, a snapshot of my life that will last for a few precious hours but I will gulp it down like the last breaths of air before being submerged in my pain and grief. I know my life shouldn’t be a myriad of trials and routine of anguish and torture, but sadly it’s where I’m at. My past has caught up with me. Shrouded me with its unrelenting truth and shame and the toll on my marriage has gnawed away until the bone is exposed and deserves to be treated. The latter of course is a different beast. There is respect for my husband, a history, a need to analyse and examine and do right by him as a man, as a husband, as a father, as an individual, and as the person I’ve known him to be.

I need to control, I need to compartmentalise, I need things in order, tidy and neat, near obsessive. But I realise my marriage, my husband can’t be managed, can’t be filed or made tidy and neat. It’s complex. He is complex. With needs, emotions – that won’t fit neatly into what I expect or want. I find this hard to grapple with. Primarily because I’m selfish. Because I need things to work to my order. Because I don’t like the feeling when things don’t. 

This evening I booked myself onto a Maori cultural evening. I haven’t seen one for years. They’re two a penny in Rotorua. One of the reasons I love it here. The people are so proud. The culture is rich and there is so much to learn. I chose the Mitai evening, the bus picked me up from the hotel and took me to the village. I wasn’t concerned about going alone. But I did purchase a bright, sturdy torch for the dark! There was a tour, the performers arrived along a river in a waka (canoe) which wAs pretty awesome and then the  concert. 

   
    
    
   
Dinner was a Hangi. Traditional food cooked under ground, it tastes delicious! 

   
 
It was energising to be part of the evening. To be out, to be part of something. Doing something different. I chatted to some people at my table. I felt relatively normal.

The bus took us back to our various hotels. I’m tired, but looking forward to snuggling in my comfy bed with my new book.

This break has been what I needed. And Rotorua has done me proud again.

I’m also proud of myself. I could have hidden away this weekend. I could have given up before this weekend. But instead I found the strength somewhere to keep going. And that strength has rewarded me with the gift of simple pleasures of reading a good book, a comfy bed, a magical town with great memories, and the reminder that I’m still the strong independent woman I’ve always been with a taste for life and the ability to embrace the good that life has to offer.

E hoa ma, ina te ora o te tangata

My friends, this is the essence of life

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