Mixed bag

The last couple of days have been tumultuous at best. The rise and fall of arguments and blame. The wet eyes, the uncertainty, hiding everything from the children, the digs, the loneliness. 

Then a calm has ascended. At this point, only we know how each other feels, only we know what’s going on. The truth behind the sad smiles, the deep abyss of an unknown future. A need to hang onto each other and grieve for what is lost. A desperation for it not to turn to hate. A realisation that something has had to give.

My husband has another pre planned trip in two weeks. I’ve decided in the next few days to go away. Take some time for myself. The pressure of the trial, of running the house and looking after the kids is suffocating. I need to clear my head. My husband agrees. 

Talking about the long term seems so hard. There are so many complications and considerations.

I have decided to go overseas and pursue a long term dream of mine, to teach in Cambodia. Take a three month stint. I will miss the children terribly and I will miss my husband. But I will be able to rediscover myself again, free from the rut I have become stuck in. It means we can put any formal plans we have on hold in the interim. I need to do this, for myself, and for my family. I need to find out who I am again. For so long I have been mother, wife and slave to my past.

And now I wait like a terrified child for news on the case.

Of course, now finally I hear from my lawyer. We have a conference call in the early hours. I’m anxious, I’m terrified. I’m being squeezed. I’m swimming against a tide. I want to fight my attacker, but at the moment I have no reserves.

My husband will support me on this call, I asked him to be there. But it’s a hard decision to him. I worry about his boundaries. He doesn’t communicate to me. I know he harbours old resentment to me. And I know we agree that this is the way to go. So am I wrong to hope for his support?

We have drifted so far apart, I no longer know him. But I know that I still want him in my life. Perhaps he has grown whereas I have remained stagnant and he finds me tiring. He tells me I have no passion. No zest for life.

It’s true. Absolutely true.

I survive daily but I don’t live. I’m not inspired. Days and months roll into each other. My hobbies are long forgotten, I’m scared of my own shadow.

I’ve been caught in a whirlwind. Everything has changed. I don’t know what to grab hold of. I don’t even trust my own mind or my own capacity to get through these storms.

I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see. I used to look into my husband’s eyes and see pure love, I was safe. Now I look into them and can see anger, distrust, or he’s simply not looking at me at all.

My children need me to be strong, they need me to be an example, they need my love and they need reassurance. Love is all I have at this point. I am failing them, piece by piece.

I carry shards of glass where my heart should be. I’m in so much pain. I want to cry out for help – but whom can I cry out for? And who would come?

No one.

I need to be able to answer my own cry.

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8 thoughts on “Mixed bag

  1. Wow Penny. This is a lot. It sounds as though you and your husband are really supporting eachother through this, and i was glad to read that.

    Maybe taking time for yourself to follow a dream is exaxtly what you need to do to help heal, espesially after this difficult trial is over. I often feel like this healing business would have been so much “easier” in my twenties, before marriagw, before kids, when it was just me. It feels like, for me anyway, that healing from all this ugliness is partly about finding yourself and your voice. I think maybe that is what you are doing– listening to your voice. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think ‘healing’ can only really happen when you’ve found a life partner and then had children ironically. It causes the trigger that ruptures the memories and blocks, in way a it makes you have a different perspective that makes you both stronger and weaker but certainly more insightful. I am certainly trying to find myself more and listen more to my heart and intuition x

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  2. Maybe he feels helpless because he has not been able to help relieve your pain, and other reactions to the trauma. Feeling helpless like that can be frustrating, and maybe evoke some anger as it’s not a fun feeling when you want to help your partner, but can’t.
    You’re not wrong to expect his support, you need it now more ever I’d assume. Are you sure you’re not pushing him away, rather than letting him in? (I do that when I need Samuel the most)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes it’s possible. He’s said that, I’ve told him to fight harder! I guess I expect from him what I would do for him. Perhaps a lot of it could be sorted with both of us together away from the kids and routine being allowed to talk it out. Being a couple communicating again. But the logistics of 4 kids – it’s so difficult. And perhaps he’s tired of the whole thing. Who could blame him?

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  3. Hello my friend
    I agree everyone would benefit you going on an extended trip. You have been thru hell, living in fear, it’s difficult to keep a marriage together. You were thrown a big load of shit. You are moving forward, time to fulfill a dream and focus on others. Giving your heart freely instead of trying to protect. Your mind so involved in giving positive energy, no one to judge, no history, it’s your rebirth. You have to take however many steps it take before you worry about your marriage. Don’t forget to let him know how much you love him and drained of all emotions. You’re a very strong women. I understand the fear of having your husband to see your lawyer. Get on you knees and ask for help to guide you.
    I am here for you anytime. I would answer the call.
    Hugs
    M

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, your comments are always so supportive and kind. You’ve summed up perfectly the reason for my wanting to go to Cambodia. I’ve always wanted to go, what better time when I have so much to reflect on. When I need to reset, help other people, learn about other cultures, feast on the energy of diversity and challenge. Let my soul wonder free and hear my thoughts clearly. It’s a perfect time. But I would like to have established something with my husband first. Some direction to work towards. Loose ends don’t benefit anyone. Certainly not me!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree loose ends don’t help either. Don’t forget the problem didn’t start last week, and some heals take longer to start healing. Please think of yourself, you don’t know what the future holds. You can start a new life by detoxing by giving yourself to live, giving to others fills the heart with overflowing joy. You need joy in you life.
        Please don’t give up on you’re plans. I pray you and husband can take a few steps and you still move forward. Your body and mind are beat down. You are worth every minute of the time away.
        I’m thinking of you and I believe life will work out. We don’t know when, we have to keep looking forward and believe in a higher power.
        I’m always here for you my friend.
        msandorm@verizon.net
        Hugs
        Melinda

        Liked by 1 person

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