Last night I got to speak to my barrister. Usually I only speak with my lawyer but he’s on leave. By 11pm my time I was chomping at the bit for news from the UK. Staring at my phone. The battery almost dead, but in an unusual twist talking to my friends and the people that care about me. Knowing I wasn’t alone in waiting for some news.

My barrister used to be a judge, he usually works for the defence and has worked on some high profile cases. He was extremely well spoken. I was tired and anxious but tried to sound a modicum of rational and articulate. He told me he didn’t appear today, he saw this as a small administrative part of my case and had sent a junior. He hadn’t anticipated any issues. This was merely the transfer to the Crown court. 

He was so calm and confident, it was hard not to feel the same.

Despite his extremely professional demeanour over the phone, he told me that I should be focussed for the trial which they were aiming for September after the summer holidays. He told me I was doing absolutely the right thing. That I should be able to put my demons to rest. He told me that I was in control, I was the one taking heading the prosecution. He told me he knew exactly what he was doing and so I could trust him. He didn’t sound like an egotistical prick. He sounded like someone that worked hard and really believed that they had enough experience to vouch for themself.  Confidence without arrogance. And frankly I needed to hear that.

He required some more information about my medical records in NZ which apparently the offender can have access to. And that’s all the detail, including my therapists name and location and my mental health records, which upsets me because yet again my privacy is being violated. My health care is close to where I live and as I’m overseas, I have no reason to have that information withheld. I can be exposed to him again. But my barrister tells me it’s necessary for the proceedings and he would never hand anything out half checked. Everything would be the bear legal minimum. 

I thanked him for his time. I felt genuinely relieved.

Again I chatted to friends. Revealing my fears and concerns, my relief and what the barrister had to say. I realise I can’t do this alone.  

I’m afraid of the future battle and I’m tired already at this point. 

But if everyone else reminds me to keep going when I admit I’m struggling – I might just make it. The last couple of days have been testament to that.


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