not so alone

It’s Friday here in NZ. Tonight it will be Friday morning in the UK. Plea entering day.

I didn’t sleep too well, most of dreams were about having to fly back to England but then getting stuck and not being able to leave. And my parents were being arseholes to me. That’s not an unbelievable dream. And unfortunately it’s becoming a common theme.

My husband took our son to kindy this morning presumably to alleviate the stress. I was pretty out of it. Then suddenly the girls came screaming and tumbling through my bedroom door arguing like maniacs about something. My peacekeeping skills were at an all time low. I could only stare in horror, occasionally staying ‘stop it’ which was about as useful a cup of water on a house fire.

Finally after drop off I went to catch up with my beauty therapist. We have become more like friends over the years. She’s off traveling for two months, so I wanted to see her before she left. I was so out of it though, a route I normally do like second nature, I made wrong turns and drove straight past the place. When I saw her I got a pedicure. I was supposed to chat about her plans, but instead I wept quietly. I didn’t want her to see. To burden her. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I felt my chest caving in pain. I stared up at the ceiling feeling on the brink of really losing it. 

Everything seemed to be hitting me, squeezing me, filling my body. I realised in retrospect I should have stayed home.

But then the tears began to dry. I began to compose myself. And the usual chatter began to flow and I realised why such interaction was important to me.

In fact, overall, I have some very special people in my life. I think it’s easy to shut down and isolate and let the darkness gather around like a thick a blanket. 

I’m not good at reaching out. I’m not good at communicating my needs, I’d be there like a shot for a lot of people and I’d be devastated at the thought of most people suffering alone.

But in the grand scheme of things, I know deep down I’m not really alone. Some people have gone out of their way to reassure me that I’m not alone. They have said the most amazing and supportive things, and without them I’m not sure how I would have gotten through some of the worst days.

I need to hold onto that. I need to bask in the love and profound connections I have. I need to trust more. 

Its not an inherent trait I have, to trust. To confide. To lean on people.
But now more than ever, I need to be loved, cherished, supported, I need people by my side, to fight with me, to hold me when I’m weak, to remind me who I am, why I’m doing this. 

It turns out people have been trying to do that all along – I just wasn’t letting them in. Letting go of my own engrained fears and feelings of weakness and failure.

  

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