Therapy; I sobbed a lot today. I found it hard to concentrate on her words, and I often lost my own train of thought. My body felt drained, I could have slept. I couldn’t sit comfortably, the seat is made for you to sit upright but I wished it was a comfortable couch. I wanted to curl up. I wanted to protect my body, hug myself and feel physically safe. Rather than forced to be upright, facing her as though in a business meeting. I have taken to wearing my baseball cap daily. A way for me to help feel hidden, away from the gaze of eyes. It’s uncomfortable but a necessary politeness to remove my cap when talking to someone inside. But today I couldn’t remove my cap. I wanted to hide myself, I wanted some protection. The belief that I can be invisible. As can the shame and disgusting feelings that exude from my every pore.
I anticipated some impact from this week, but not to feel like a young girl again. Not to feel so vulnerable and so lonely and scared.
No one understands me. And though I know I have dear friends I cannot burden them with all of this. Some have their own issues, some are too focused on their needs, some simply don’t get it, and when I think I might have established trust and a safe place, I am left disappointed or let down. I don’t begrudge anyone. Who wants this in their life? Misery? Confusion? Sadness? It’s too much.
Even my husband is worn down by it. I know he wants to focus on his social circle and have a break from the routine of work and miserable wife. We argue, he upsets me, he is in despair. Trapped, restless. Resentful. And who’s to blame him? I was never meant to be around people for any length of time. I was meant to walk the earth alone – I truly believe that. I’m supposed to be a nobody. And now everything is out of kilter.
I stopped by my tattoo artists studio this afternoon and had her do me another tattoo, this one the smallest but on my hand. A reminder to me.
When I got home I slept. Exhausted. I still am. I’d love to sleep for days.