Courage

Therapy; I sobbed a lot today. I found it hard to concentrate on her words, and I often lost my own train of thought. My body felt drained, I could have slept. I couldn’t sit comfortably, the seat is made for you to sit upright but I wished it was a comfortable couch. I wanted to curl up. I wanted to protect my body, hug myself and feel physically safe. Rather than forced to be upright, facing her as though in a business meeting. I have taken to wearing my baseball cap daily. A way for me to help feel hidden, away from the gaze of eyes. It’s uncomfortable but a necessary politeness to remove my cap when talking to someone inside. But today I couldn’t remove my cap. I wanted to hide myself, I wanted some protection. The belief that I can be invisible. As can the shame and disgusting feelings that exude from my every pore.

I anticipated some impact from this week, but not to feel like a young girl again. Not to feel so vulnerable and so lonely and scared.

No one understands me. And though I know I have dear friends I cannot burden them with all of this. Some have their own issues, some are too focused on their needs, some simply don’t get it, and when I think I might have established trust and a safe place, I am left disappointed or let down. I don’t begrudge anyone. Who wants this in their life? Misery? Confusion? Sadness? It’s too much.

Even my husband is worn down by it. I know he wants to focus on his social circle and have a break from the routine of work and miserable wife. We argue, he upsets me, he is in despair. Trapped, restless. Resentful. And who’s to blame him? I was never meant to be around people for any length of time. I was meant to walk the earth alone – I truly believe that. I’m supposed to be a nobody. And now everything is out of kilter.

I stopped by my tattoo artists studio this afternoon and had her do me another tattoo, this one the smallest but on my hand. A reminder to me.

When I got home I slept. Exhausted. I still am. I’d love to sleep for days.

  

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4 thoughts on “Courage

  1. I often feel like I was supposed to walk this world alone, as well. I am sorry that you’re feeling that. It’s a lonely feeling. Sending you lots of kind thoughts and gentle hugs, if okay?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That tattoo is excellent, and beautiful. Like you. You’re going to be OK. I’m not sure if you chose this path, or if it chose you. Walking it must bring you right back to the traumatic event, this time with so much sadness. As you walk through such depths of all the layers of hurt and pain, you also walk through it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ll know when I’m able to look back. At the moment I’m too much in the thick of it. One of the reasons I keep this blog is I hope to be able to use it as a measure of how far I get x

      Like

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