Eye of the storm

    

I know his plea date is coming up in the next couple of days. I know he’s been working with his lawyers. Thinking about that night. He’s a narcissist, so I’m not sure that he’ll be breaking a sweat, but I know he’ll be angry with me for the inconvenience. I’m sure he’d love the opportunity to put me back in my place. Before I was weak and vulnerable, just a girl. And now I have fought for this legal case.

I’m trying not to think about the date. I’m trying not to consider the ramifications, the subsequent communication. The emotions that will follow, the processes both legally and mentally I will be faced to endure.

I am in the eye of the storm. An odd calm has descended. There is no talk about it. I am functioning, but my reality feels somewhat disconnected. I am already protecting myself. 

The last few weeks have been a tangle of events, memories, flashbacks, emotions, working with my therapist. I now stand gasping for breath. Realising I have surpassed a point of no return. Nothing is familiar. Eerie silence and stillness descends. 

My routines continue. My obsessions, my need for control. The daily demands of running the kids to school, managing the house, laundry, errands, etc. but these things are done in a robotic mode. 

Although I have taken the power to bring these charges, I feel that I am at the mercy of him and the courts. I am the peasant girl to a ring of mercenaries. My degradation, my life, my body, my suffering will be for everyone to pick at, and for him to no doubt relish.

I am playing my role again, get up, do, don’t think, don’t feel, then go to bed. 

No tears are allowed to escape, no screams will be allowed to force their way from my throat, no dropping to my knees in exhaustion and despair, there will be no expression of hurt, pain or fear. Because I can’t allow myself that pleasure, that loss of control.

I’m in the eye of the storm. All I can do is get up, keep going, keep doing. Because when the storm closes in, the fallout is going to be hard and I need to be ready.

  

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8 thoughts on “Eye of the storm

  1. Rooting for you. But is this really the time to stand alone? I’d say it’s time to mobilize all the support you can. And your well being is no longer in the hands of others – you can treat yourself well no matter what.

    I bet this AH is sweating, narcissist or not!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Standing alone is a natural place for me. Often if i try and reach out, I’m left disappointed by others or feeling far too misunderstood. So it’s easier to be distant myself, although painful, saves me the pain of rejection or being let down. I just hate being reconnected to this person again, it feels like I’m defaulting to the child again. I guess I didn’t anticipate how much it would affect me, I was kidding myself that I was strong. Thank you for your support x

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  2. I have taken the power to bring these charges, Let this be your mantra. You have taken charge, no matter the outcome. You’re not at anyone’s mercy. You know the truth and he does too; no matter how good his lawyers are, or how they may twist the truth.
    Ellen’s response echo’s my thoughts. Gather all those around you who are supportive.
    And he must be sweating. He now has to answer to you and the public. He’ll surely be pissed. Good. Someone so horribly aggressive now has to answer for it must come as such a shock to him.
    All those who know about the trial or were there, will forever wonder about him. You’re not alone! You’ve won in my book!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Patricia. But I’m just feeling so vulnerable, so drained and so reconnected to a time and place with a person I dont want to think about. He’ll be angry for the inconvenience, nothing more. I feel about myself as I did to him, like a nothing. The shame and pain is greater than ever.

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      1. All those feelings are so understandable. Taken by force reduces one to such feelings, powerlessness. Your actions speak to your true nature, not the feelings brought on by the cruelty, and extreme aggressive attack of a cowardly, gutless, immoral bully.
        If all he feels is anger and inconvenience, that would not surprise me. That is the type of person who would attack a woman, a person with no confidence, self-esteem, self-respect or dignity. Not someone with character, compassion, or the ability to love and care for another person. He’s a shell. A very angry, powerless, controlling animal lacking the human qualities that allow us to live together in peace and harmony.
        Facing a beast like that is hard. But you are strong and will be OK.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes, true. I guess a part of me still tries to quantify the beast. See some sort of humanity. I even expected he had grown and might realise what he’d done and be remorseful. That was in the very early stages though. But only I have seen the true anger and hatred. And that young girl at the time thought it was something I had done in the confusion of it all. Not fully understanding someone is so hard. Why me? Why then? Etc. but the focus should be on my recovery and my fight. Thank you again xx

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      3. You know what you are doing and sound very solid, despite all the feelings that go along with it. Beast is a good word, because when I said ‘animal’ it gives the animal kingdom a blemish. Animals court, and dance and show off before cooperating in mating.
        To force oneself upon another is inconceivable to me; no warmth, love, intimacy, sharing, nothing. Nothing but cruel force. How can that be enjoyable other than being so low on the human spectrum that one needs that kind of force and control. I just can’t conceive of it.
        You stand up not only for yourself which is the uppermost priority, but also for all of us, all women. Thank you!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I agree with ellen. Mobilize all the support you can, you do not have to do this alone.

    You are amazing and strong, you brought these charges against him. Don’t forget that. You are making him face what he did. Xx

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