Yesterday I spent inside, watching movies. Warm, safe, snuggled under a blanket on the sofa. It was just what I needed. I felt relaxed. Safe.
My husband returned later with news of an important meeting he has to attend, which occurs today. He was stressed, tired. So we just stayed up for a while, agreed not to discuss it until the outcome of the meeting and went to bed. I took a zopiclone to ensure I’d sleep.
He left early this morning. Aside from his meeting there was nothing particularly unusual about this morning. If anything the kids were more helpful and calm than usual.
My 3 year old son had set up on the sofa to watch TV and eat his cereal, and as he tends to be difficult to catch long enough to get dressed, it seemed a good place to get him dressed for kindy. As I took his pyjama top off, I spoke a rhythm from my childhood. Not one I’ve ever sang to the kids before. Only one I’ve heard as a child, and the familiarity and unease of it was, I can only describe as the sensation of getting into one of those water slides in a pool. When the speed takes you, the twists and the turns. Your belly flips insides, not knowing what is coming up next. Trying to gain some control but there’s water everywhere so it’s pointless, unable to scream because you know you’re going to be hitting water soon, so you keep your mouth closed but it feels counterintuitive to the fear. The only thing around is the encasement of the tube. Nothing outside can see you, you can’t see anything, but soon you will be visible, vulnerable, expelled, thrust, born out into the water for all to see. Regardless of whether you’re ready or not.
I’ve had flashbacks before. Body memories, visual memories. I have been lost in time, faces confused, locations, times, sounds, smells, the terrifying encompassing envelope of reliving a moment. My throat so tight air can’t get through, any touch to my body is like a burn, I am sick to the stomach.
But this was something else. Something that left me haunted.
I dressed my boy, loaded the kids and dog. Dropped them off and when I walked the dog I played the heaviest metal music I could find, and I played it loud. I had this sense of not wanting to be at home alone today, so I went out and have done a few things.
Now I’m feeling numb, tired, but had the urge to write this down. Capture the moment as though I was taking a Polaroid of a moment in time. How significant I’m not sure at the moment.
I need some rest.