Lone wolf

My husband and I continue to operate on different frequencies. Sometimes I ignore it, we are amicable but the basis of trust and closeness feels strained. 
My period was so late this month, stress always plays havoc with my cycle, this cycle was a winner. The cramps are so painful and it’s so heavy. As usual I’ve managed a day using tampons and now I can’t because I’m too triggered. Too sore. It’s a horrible place to be in. And the migraines are back with a vengeance. After such a busy few days I looked forward to resting most of today. Although my head and cramps made it uncomfortable.

Last night were the nightmares again. And a panic about power cuts, although there weren’t any. My husband used to be very intuitive with my bad nights, but now I am able to self soothe unless there’s a noise outside. In most cases of fear or anxiety I have learnt to work through my problems.

I’ve noticed my husband likes to make the odd comment, sometimes patronising or cutting towards me. Not meant in malice but I’m not sure whether to get a rise out of me or not. As my parents have always treated me as a fool and the butt of the jokes, I respond overly defensively. So he gets to look at me with the disdained crazy look. I feel only I can defend myself and I have to. My self esteem is already at an all time low. 

It is this operating at different frequencies that makes me realise, only I can be my safe place. Only I can create that for myself. In the dead of night alone, sad and scared, I will comfort myself. The bathroom or my car is the place where my tears are kept. It was a gradual realisation, this has become my reality.

Regardless of what state my marriage is in and the peaks and troughs we go through. Amicable is preferred and honesty and best. 

The needs that I have, the pain that I suffer, only I can truly understand and in that only I can work through and care for myself. I know this because this is what I have been doing for a while now. 

At some point my husband let go, and I didn’t fall. 

I’m unsure what binds us together. Familiarity? Love and respect from time? But it strikes me that we both have needs, and I’m certainly not fulfilling his.

I have to continue to learn my own strengths and realise that my safe place IS me.


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