lost my way

Yesterday I went to the group therapy that occurs once a month. There were about 11 of us, and a split between people that were in a good place and people that were in a really bad place. The facilitator was a cover for the usual, so it didn’t have its usual flow and I sensed that not everyone got to say their piece or be really heard. I could sense some tensions. I was pleased to duck out for a smoke with a newer member and get to spend some time with her in the winter sunshine with another friend of mine. It felt calm and inspiring to hear them talk. No strain, or pressure. It was almost disappointing to be called back to the group.

The group is usually really helpful for me, albeit triggering and upsetting at times. But when the mood is anxious and strained it benefits from a strong and experienced facilitator to guide everyone. Or else it becomes disjointed and the quieter ones get left out. 

After the group I like to go home and relax, sleep and process, be alone. But instead I had to dash over the remainder of my daughter’s 11th party at Laser Tag where they’d already moved on to bowling. I brought the cake. I was surrounded by loud, over tired, over sugared 11/12 year old years. The place was fairly busy and very noisy and my 3 year old son was exhausted and fed up and kept trying to make a break for it. The afternoon felt never ending. Eventually my husband and I decided that my son and middle daughter simply couldn’t take anymore so I would drive them home. When I got in I could see they’d left in a hurry, I’d left before them for them for my group. So I burst into action with my routines to clean and tidy the house. Get the laundry on, the house warm and cozy and the bedrooms sorted for their arrival. 

My daughter and her friend that were staying wanted to watch a movie. So as they came in, we jumped into my car and headed out for dinner and a movie. Not getting home until nearly midnight.

It was lovely to spend the evening with both of them.

But in bed my mind was trying to process things I’d heard in the group. Triggers, upsetting things, things that upset me. I got myself into the state whereby my body acts like it has flu. I had cold sweats, I swapped between freezing cold and boiling hot. My sheets were drenched. My sleep wasn’t good at all. I knew I’d have my daughter and her friend and my other middle daughter today for her eye test. 

Dropping my son and youngest daughter off at kindy and the holiday programme respectively I had a period when I was driving when I had no idea where I was. I had lost total control of the present. I didn’t know where the hell I was. Alone I might have panicked and broken down. But with the two young kids in the car all I could think was to drive and keep driving until I recognised something. It was a really scary experience. I have periods where I become disassociated, but not for large periods of time. Eventually I found my way.

Even driving back I found I wasn’t paying the proper attention, gliding through roundabouts. I was lucky. I could feel this bubbling urge to cry.

Now safely home I would like to take time to process and unwind. But the kids are busy making smoothies with every ingredient in the house. 

This afternoon/evening my husband is taking my daughter to see his parents, which is stressful. My daughter isn’t happy about it, which saddens me, I’m stressed, but I’ve agreed to step back and let my husband do what he has to do. 

I’m tired. It feels hard. I feel I’ve lost my way in all aspects of my life.


2 thoughts on “lost my way

  1. I don’t think you have lost your way; you’ve just gone off the road a bit maybe, got lost in the forest. I’m sorry it was such a rough day. I like quiet after therapy, i can only imagine how you need some quiet after group to process it all. Hopefully today will start your week of good and get things feeling back on track for you. Hang in there. You are so strong. Xx


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