Yesterday at therapy I realised a few hours afterwards I talked non stop at the poor woman. Not letting her get a word in edge ways. For an hour I talked non stop. Then off I dashed to my hair appointment. Then home where I proceeded to organise and tidy until I literally had no energy. So I picked a horror on Netflix and became engrossed in the plot. The timing was perfect, end of the day, time to prepare the house for evening, my evening routine. Lamps, heating, keep kids rooms ready, and kids!
I was, in retrospect, distracting. I hadn’t wanted to feel. To discuss the painful things. The hurt, my fears. I had talked to the counsellor about the trial and about what that meant for me, but I hadn’t stopped to feel any of it. I could have been talking about the weather.
My husband left early this morning. He’s going to the airport after work and heading to Auckland for a weekend with friends. A trip planned ages ago.
Obviously I’m anxious about continuing with my routines and the 4 kids, dealing with my nightmares and anxieties and being scared in the night, but the assumption by both of us is that I will get by.
After he left I fell into a deep sleep and had the most terrifying nightmares. Probably all my worst nightmares combined in a smorgasbord of death, horror, fear, hopelessness, blood, despair, terror, loss and vulnerability.
Two of my children drowning and me alone trying to save them.
Walking in on a child being sexually abused (I didn’t know either one)
House being broken into – while me and the kids were in
Being tested for HIV, but then getting the all clear and these people chasing me to infect me in the most gruesome of ways
Hmmm, thinking about it, the last one might have been my brain making its own version of the horror I watched.
Anyway, I awoke feeling miserable and exhausted and very late for the kids school. Of course the kids knew we were late but had hoped I might keep sleeping and they might get the day off.
Bundled into the car I dropped them off, making it a record 45 minutes late.
Now I face a long weekend. Me and them.
I don’t get much sleep, and when I do, it’s not refreshing. I’m so drained all the time. The kids are arguing and fighting all the time and I don’t have a reprieve, there’s no family to reach out, it’s just us getting by. It’s suffocating at times.
My lawyer is still on leave so while he emailed me court notes, he hasn’t answered my questions. And it’s so infuriating and stressful. I don’t understand what’s going on, I don’t understand the process. It adds to the misery.
I suppose I feel like I’m losing control.
Everything is changing and yet nothing is changing.