Today I awoke with an impending sense of doom. I couldn’t put my finger on why, but I think most people that suffer with anxiety and panic have these days. A fear of a day for no rational reason.
My husband took my eldest to netball as usual on Saturday morning and I worried about them, I worried for myself. I’ve arranged for our groceries to be delivered now because we both hate grocery shopping at the weekend. But the only slot left was the Saturday morning. So I dreaded the delivery man’s arrival.
I can’t explain any of it. My need to want to hide away and let the day pass without drama or problems. To not face anybody or anything. A part of my brain can identify that it’s irrational and has no place, no reason, but I can’t fight it.
I’d booked my daughter’s hair cut and she’s been dreading it. Growing it for so long, but it gets tangled, she doesn’t wash it properly. It needed more than a trim. So after netball I knew I had to take her, if I couldn’t face it, I’d never get her there.
She grumbled all the way there and reiterated her request for a ‘trim only.’ Of course I told the hairdresser subtly to cut it to shoulder length as I nodded at my daughter and said she’d be all right. Knowing I’d be the most hated mother in the world.
Suffice to say, it looks fantastic and she loves it. She looks so grown up as well!
While the chopping went on I did a search for the salt lamp as mentioned in a previous blog and found a stockist in the next town. I phoned ahead and they had a few in stock. So we drove there next, and I’m delighted to say I’m now the proud owner of an authentic Himalayan Salt lamp
I have it on my bedside table and I’m chuffed to bits. Even my husband who had been so cynical sees the charm in it.
While in the shop that also sold lots of crystals and various others interesting bits I noticed they did tarot readings. I’m not a great believer in those things. I’m terrified of ouija boards and would never do anything like that but tarot seems less dabbling in anything demonic and more to do with astrology. I’m also not naïve and totally acknowledge the psychology behind such things. That said I was curious having never done anything like it before. My daughter was nervous but I explained it wasn’t fortune telling, that we’re all responsible for own futures and choices, this was just her interpretation of what I told her.
She was an elderly lady. Kind, sweet. My cards reflected my love for my house, my connection with my son, and my love and protection from my husband. All of which is non alarming and accurate.
The cards also seemed to insist on upcoming travel and a job opportunity. But also that I carried a lot of burden on my shoulders, I had been through great pain in life and I was experiencing new grief.
She took time to tell me I obviously lacked confidence and self esteem, but I was beautiful both inside and out and that it was time to heal.
I’d asked for half an hour. She gave me an hour. She charged for half an hour, but I insisted I pay the hour.
As we left my daughter turned to me and said, people just see these people to feel better about themselves don’t they? A good observation on her part! I told her if it helped people it could only be a good thing. But I see a counsellor for my problems, that for me this was just out of interest.
One thing she did say at the end was that before I do anything I need to take a deep breath and remind myself I can do anything. Say it out loud if I have to. Which is pretty much what my counsellor said.
I’d like to believe I’m capable of turning myself around.
Just from today Im exhausted. I feel like it’s been emotionally taxing and at times an internal battle. Seemingly for no reason.
I wish I had the strength of conviction that other people seem to think is within me.