So therapy today. As usual I arrived intending to talk and protect myself. As usual she found her way into my core and i found myself tearful with exhaustion but relief. An understanding and a connection I’ve never felt before. I took a lot from today’s session, like how I can communicate to my children better about their own safety without coming across too scary and aggressive. I learnt I need to let some things go and not carry them as a perpetual reminder of my failures to flog myself with at every given opportunity. I learnt that in some instances it’s best to leave my inner child behind and be adult for the sake for my kids – for example we had the kids teachers interviews this afternoon. The thought of school brought bad memories up, and that petulant, aggressive, rebellious kid was bubbling in preparation. I’ve learnt more about how trauma can stunt ones growing so that an inner child can get stuck so it’s easy to revert to that mentality for protection and because that inner child was never nurtured and helped to grow. It makes a lot of sense, when I feel I’m losing control of a situation I get aggressive, I get obnoxious, I get angry and it’s born out of fear, I don’t trust anyone and I must make everyone around me believe that I’m invincible, that I don’t care. I’m just a terrified, clueless kid. But I need to learn to control that. For me, for my family, to communicate better.
We talked about my current unhelpful coping mechanisms that have become so normal to me, isolation, anxiety, shutting down, self blame, guilt, shame, distrust, avoidance, to name but a few. She reassures me that I can be normal again. She inspires me greatly. I know her story. She’s honest, direct, strong, inspiring, confident, honest, comfortable with who she is. I can only imagine being that person.
Currently I sit in her office and sniffle and share evidence of what a poor mother I am, how weak I am. How I prefer to avoid things and how a trigger can ruin my entire day.
She has faith. I wish I did too. But I keep seeing her for her inspiration alone. She does give me hope. And since I’ve been seeing her I’ve been crying a lot more. Really crying. Something I would never feel comfortable to do previously.
Teacher interviews went well. I went easy on them! The feedback was good and I’m proud of my girls. Despite everything they’re smart and do wel academically.
Then I took my two youngest girls to see Inside Out, something they’d been desperate to see. They were so excited. It was lovely to see them so happy. And I’m glad I put the time and energy in. It means so much to them.
A long day, with a lot of things to focus on. Leaving the movie theatre it was dark and I was out of my comfort zone, but the kids were oblivious and just so thrilled by the movie, it distracted me.
Getting home I’ve found it hard to unwind. My mind feels busy with the events of the day. My husband is exhausted but i forced him to sit up and watch television with me. I needed the distraction.
My nightmares are bad. And I know there’s a sadness deep within from the counselling session.
Going into the school felt hard to. Usually my husband does these things, but I want to be part of their lives and school is part of it. It feels almost fearful going in there. But I vowed to leave the lonely, hurt teenager in the car and face this as my adult self for the sake of my girls.
I suppose tomorrow I will feel more raw. Today I have tried avoiding the feelings more.
Why must it be so fucking hard?